EmintheATL

I am a traveling disaster

2011-02-10T14:18:00.003-05:00

My travels from Atlanta to San Diego began with snow in Atlanta. Amazingly, my flight was on time and not cancelled due to the one inch of snowmaggedon that Atlanta was supposed to receive. I arrived at the airport at 7:30am all cheery and bright eyed and ready for my trip. I get bags checked and head to security. I put laptop in a bin and bag and shoes in another. I walk up to the metal detector. First dude yells at me to take off my scarf. Alrighty. I walk through metal detector and alarms go off. Second dude says "You're wearing a belt." It sounded like a g'damn statement. So, I said, "No I'm not!" and lifted up my shirt (LOL - to show him my waist line) to prove that I wasn't wearing a belt. He said, "Ma'am that was a question." Alrighty. I walk back through metal detector to try again. Second dude tells me to take off earrings and ring even though he says he doesn't think that's the problem. I do as I'm told and walk back through metal detector and alarms go off. He then points to his own chest and says, "Do you have underwire in your bra?" Are you serious? (If airport security start making women take off their g'damn bras, I'm never flying again.) I then pointed to my chest and said, "Yes." So off to the body scanner I was sent.

While in the scanner, I throw up my best Diamond Dallas Page or Jay Z Diamond Cutter symbol over my head and get scanned. I step out and have to stand by two security agents talking on their walkie talkies waiting for the "this broad is okay to go" message. As I'm standing there, the lady at the x-ray machine, where all of my stuff has ended up in a jumbled pile at the end of the belt, looks at my earrings and ring in the bowl and then looks around confused. I say, "Yes, those are mine" as I finally get the 10-4 that I'm okay to pass now. So, I walk over to the belt and this lady at the x-ray machine wants to argue with me. "Ma'am, you don't need to take off your rings or earrings when they're that small." To which I retorted, "Umm.. the guy at the metal detector told me to." She repeated herself. WTF? To which I say, "The guy at the metal detector told me to take them off before he sent me to the x-ray machine." Her response, "Ma'am it's not an x-ray machine. It's a body scanner." You really wanna argue with me about this right now?! Just walk away Emily, just walk away.

I finally make it on the plane and I'm all situated in my aisle seat. Window seat is open next to me as well as the window seat in the row infront of me. Then the Amish show up. The couple walk up to my row and speak to me and the man in front of me and say, "Which one of you wants to switch seats so my wife and I can sit together?" Umm... no one does. Without skipping a beat I say, "I have to be on the aisle in case I have to vomit during the flight."

So now here I sit in the Denver airport waiting for the next installment of "I am a traveling disaster".

This will be me...

2011-02-07T11:51:00.002-05:00

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

i'm baaaack...

2011-01-05T21:40:00.001-05:00

Just got a laptop and I promise I will get back to blogging again soon. :)

homicide

2010-02-21T13:11:00.003-05:00

I'm writing this entry from my patio, while drinking coffee, on a 60 degree sunny day in Atlanta. You'd think I'd be in a better mood. :) A lot of my blog entries have been about Starbucks because I frequent Starbucks and funny things tend to happen to me at Starbucks. Well, since I've moved closer to a Publix, I'm starting to frequent Publix as well. If you ever hear of a woman going ape shit in a Publix on a Sunday in Atlanta, it's probably me.

My trip to Publix was preceded by a trip to Starbucks (surprise). I went inside only to be greeted by 6 people in line in front of me. Fabulous. The couple that was at the counter, placing their order, apparently were a rare breed because it seemed that they had never been to a Starbucks before... or they were completely retarded. After they finished ordering, the man excused himself to the restroom and the lady just stood there... at the counter... like a goon. Eventually she made her way down to the drink pick up counter. Eight hours later, I placed my drink order. Now, it's hard to explain this type of anger, unless you've experienced it before, when your drink never comes up and the people that were in line behind you are getting their drinks. I made my way to counter, trying to suppress the rage that was consuming me and managed to explain that I must have been skipped. I had ordered a grande (medium) size drink and my apology came in the form of a venti (large) size drink. So... what if I had actually ordered a venti? Would my apology have come in the form of two drinks? Grr...

So, I leave Starbucks and head to Publix. I needed three items. I get to the spaghetti sauce aisle. As I'm entering the aisle, a couple, who are entering the aisle in front of me, separate because wifey/girlfriend needs to go pick up something in another aisle. The couple like hugs goodbye and shit. Oh my God. Please move. So I grab my spaghetti sauce after playing Twister with some woman and her damn cart. Right hand blue, bitch. Please move. I get towards the end of the aisle and get stuck behind boyfriend/husband who apparently was waiting for wifey/girlfriend that went to another aisle. He's walking at a snails pace, checking his phone and not paying attention to any damn thing around him. Meanwhile, two ladies are walking towards me and feel the need to walk side by side. So, as I try to pass husband/boyfriend, I get tangled between his stupid cart and the dumb broads that are walking side by side and I trip. Thanks. Finally, I make my way to the checkout. Again, reiterating that I had three items. Checkout guy puts my food in two bags. What the f*ck are you doing? I guess instead of worrying about the bread being on top, he just decided to give the bread it's own separate bag.

I need my own separate bag... to smother myself with.

questions of the day

2009-08-12T10:53:00.002-04:00

1. Has anyone ever seen a baby pigeon? Do they not peruse the streets until they're full size?

2. More importantly, why are McDonalds' milkshake machines always broken or "shut down for the day"? I think they should invest in more reliable milkshake machines.

a steady diet of booze and anger

2009-08-07T11:32:00.001-04:00

I am in a crazy, bitter place right now... but I'm happy, which is weird. I've been on a steady diet of booze and anger this week. The anger has caused two-a-day workouts and the booze has caused... well.. hang overs. What doesn't help matters (but prevents me from drinking alone) is that it seems that a lot of my ATL friends are going through similar emotions so I seem to luckily always have a drinking buddy. I've been lucky enough to find workout buddies as well.

I still have not purchased cable since I moved into my new place. I basically have the Sex and the City DVDs in the player 24/7. Sometimes I'll throw in a little Two Weeks Notice or Bridget Jones Diary but it's mostly been Sex and the City. I need to read more and I'll definitely be making a trip to Blockbuster this weekend. You can only watch SATC so much because after awhile you start to completely compare and contrast your own life with the show. And that ain't healthy.

weekend update- part 1

2009-07-20T15:46:00.005-04:00

First, I must point out, if you're driving a car that has flame graphics of any sort on the car, you should be going faster than the speed limit at all times. It just makes sense. I saw a PT Cruiser last week with flame graphics on each side and it was going 25mph in a 30 zone. Your car is on fire and you're going 10mph!!

Second, what is all the fascination with the Dodge Magnum? People, it's a still a station wagon. You can make it all fancy and make it to look all "street" and hip... but it's still a station wagon. Yeah. Still not cool.

Anyway, so I went home this weekend. Jeff and I went to see Darius Rucker in concert on Friday at Elk Creek Vineyards in Owenton, KY. The concert was amazing. Probably the best concert I've ever been to - it definitely helped that Jeff snagged us 4th row seats. He did songs from his new country album (loves) and some Hootie songs (loves).

During the 2nd encore, the couple that was sitting next to us left and they were quickly replaced by a drunk lady and her date. The drunk lady decided to stand on the chair next to me. Dude, we're in the 4th row... really... do you need to stand on the seat? Since this concert was at a vineyard, they served wine at the concert. Here's the set up, drunk lady standing on chair next to me, drinking red wine, I'm wearing a white sweater. She starts laughing and sprays my left side with red wine. Face, sweater, arm. Nice. Darius Rucker performed Purple Rain during his 2nd encore which was kinda ironic considering all of the wine on my sweater looked like purple rain. So, I get pretty heated and the lady hands me a $20. And that is how you make $20 at a Darius Rucker concert.

everything is funny in slow motion

2009-05-25T18:17:00.002-04:00

Topic: Bad breath. You know that a person has bad breath when you can smell their bad breath.. and they're standing BEHIND you. Seriously. Gross.

So I had an eventful weekend. I was in Coury and Jesse's wedding on Friday. It was a beautiful wedding and such a fun reception. I was grateful to have been apart of it. Congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Jesse Osbourne.

Saturday night Suz and I went out to Shout. It's becoming our new place but after our experience with people on Saturday, I think we need to take a break from Shout. On our way home, we decided to make a stop at McDonalds. We put everything under one order so when we got our bag of food, I asked for a spare bag so that Suz could put her food in a bag. On our way to Suz's house, Suz was trying to remove her food from the bottom of the big bag. All of a sudden, Suz's hand came out the side of the bag and we could not stop laughing. She finally got her food out and then she had to wrap the big bag on two sides. We were laughing so hard our sides hurt.

I'm going to be updating my blog a bit more because I'm going to be off facebook for a while. I needed a break from facebook.

please explain this to me

2009-02-11T12:11:00.003-05:00

I went to the gym in our apartment complex last night to run on the treadmill. The gym has old school treadmills and a few newer treadmills that at least look like they were manufactured in this century. Anyway, only one of the newer treadmills was available so I walked over to it. As I made my approach, I noticed a green sign on one of the arms of the treadmill. The sign read something like this:

"Please do not pounce or slam down on this treadmill. Doing so will cause the treadmill to make a loud noise and disturb others who are working out. A nice, smooth pace will work best."

So, as I begin my run, I'm trying to imagine what in the hell one does in order to pounce or slam down on a treadmill? And as I'm running, I'm also now super self conscious about my stride. Am I pouncing? Am I slamming down? What happens if the treadmill starts making a God-awful noise and disturbs others? Should I just jump off the treadmill and leave? Well, apparently, I kept a nice, smooth pace and had nothing to worry about.

But seriously, I'm totally picturing someone like 5 feet from the treadmill, getting a running start, and jumping or "slamming down" on the treadmill. And what kind of noise does a treadmill make that may disturb others?

I am a walking Saturday Night Live skit.

2008-10-23T08:43:00.003-04:00

So I wore a dress to work today. This dress is kinda snug and it definitely has no give in it whatsoever. The dress goes down a little bit passed my knees and since it's kinda of snug, I have very little range of motion with my legs. When I was leaving the apartment this morning and trying to get in my car, I could just barely lift my leg up enough to get into the car. Of course, on my way to work, I make my daily morning stop at Starbucks. I go in, order my coffee, come back out. Now I'm parked in somewhat of a confined space and I can't open my car door all the way. I open the car door, holding coffee, try to lift my leg up to get in the car and I can't get my leg in the car. So, I try sitting in the car butt first, but when I sat down, my dress was still hindering me from getting my legs in the car. Please keep in mind that I am still in Starbucks' parking lot and the windows at this Starbucks face the parking lot. Thanks. So, I'm sitting in my car with my legs out the door, still trying to get in the car. I ended up leaning sideways while in my seat and doing some type of air bicycle with my legs and finally was able to get in the car. Damn dress.

it's been awhile..

2008-09-22T21:27:00.002-04:00

Well, I started playing softball again. I haven't played since I was a junior or senior in high school. I am a wittle wusty (a little rusty). I had 2 basehits in our first game and I played first base. I played decent and I hope that I'll get more comfortable as the season goes on. Yesterday, I went to the batting cages and in the cage next to me was a guy with 2 other girls. They weren't all in the cage together but the 2 girls were watching. Anyway, the guy finished batting and I came out of my cage to put another token in the machine and the guy said, "hey you looking to play softball?" I told him that I was already on a team and he said, "well, we suck and could use more people". Well damn. When I played last week, my first time stepping to the plate, the pitcher on the other team said "Look out y'all! It looks like she can hit". Well damn. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to write about with my upcoming softball adventures. Hopefully none of them will involve me losing any teeth. :)
So, I was at Subway tonight picking up dinner. There was a man in line in front of me. He was at the portion of the sandwich order when he tells how to dress the sandwich i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, etc. Well, I'm telling my Subway guy what I want on my sandwich and me and the other guy in line said "oil and vinegar" at the same time. The guy in line turned and looked at me and said "WHOA. We just had cross sandwichation." Oh for the love! Then he moved to pay and turned to me again and said, "You really sound like you know what you're doing making those sandwiches. I'm totally lost. You should be a Subway consultant." A Subway consultant? WOW. If anyone needs guidance putting together a Subway sandwich, let me know.

my boyfriend is my hero & i am an emotional basket case

2008-07-25T09:12:00.003-04:00

There are wild cats that live in our apartment complex. Well, maybe they aren't wild exactly but I don't think they belong to anyone. One of the cats just had a kitten and we usually see the two of them around our apartment. Recently the mama cat and the kitten have been housing themselves under my car and Malik's truck. This morning when I was leaving, the mama cat ran out from under my car to under Malik's truck. I didn't see the kitten and I assumed that it was still under my car. I began to back out very slowly and I heard a screaming yelp. OMG! I just knew that I ran over the kitten. I began crying and called Malik, who was still in the apartment, and told him what happened. He said he would come outside and due to the fact that I was scared to move (my car or myself), I was grateful. To add another degree of difficulty, Malik pulled a muscle in his back last night at basketball. So, this man is trying to bend over to look under my car, trying to get on the ground to find the kitten with a pulled muscle in his back. He inspects every tire and sees nothing. He tells me to go ahead and back up. As I begin to back up again, we hear the screaming yelp again and I see the concern on Malik's face. However, when I hear the screaming yelp again, I scream and begin sobbing with my face in my hands... still in the car, still being too scared to move. Malik gets on the ground again, gets back up and asks me to pop my trunk. He pulls a blanket out of my trunk. (I'm still sobbing). He gets back down on the ground, stands up holding the blanket and walks over to the driver side door where I am.. in the car.. still sobbing. He shows me the kitten in the blanket and says, "See. He's fine. Everything is ok. It looks like you just got his tail." I managed to pull myself together. I will never forget the image of Malik standing next to my car with a kitten, tucked in a blanket, wrapped up in his big strong arms. .. and me sobbing like a 3 year old.

Biting it

2008-07-09T12:07:00.002-04:00

I went to get Starbucks yesterday morning to pick up coffee for myself and my co-worker. When you walk out of this particular Starbucks, you have to walk up about 7 steps to get back to the street level. So, I'm walking up the steps asking myself if I should jaywalk back across the street to work or walk down to the intersection. Apparently there was a lull in traffic which would have enabled me to jaywalk but my brain was moving faster than my feet and, like a complete idiot, I fell up the steps, landing on my arm. I didn't even want to look around to see who saw me because I was infront of an office building, in Midtown Atlanta, and close to one of the busiest intersections in Atlanta. People saw me. I did not need to get a head count. I managed to save my drink but my co-worker's drink was not so lucky. I got up quickly and kept walking debating whether I should go back into Starbucks and get a new drink for my co-worker. I decided not as I was already embarassed enough and I'm not sure if I could navigate the steps again.
My 4th of July was pretty uneventful. Malik and I went to a friend's house and played the American Idol game on XBox. It's basically like kareoke but you have to keep the correct pitch and sing the right words of the song in order to get points to stay in the game. I'm not sure how or why I had the courage to do this seeing as I was completely sober but I sang four songs infront of a room of people. The highlights were singing "Copacabana" and "Bohemian Rhapsody". Try singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" keeping a perfect pitch and getting all the words. Some of my favorite lyrics: Scaramouche scaramouche will you do the fandango, Galileo figaro-magnifico, and Bismillah! no,we will not let you go. What the f*ck?
That's it folks. I'll be here all week-making an ass of myself.

and I should continue to listen to you now because?

2008-06-25T09:25:00.002-04:00

We had a proofreading seminar at work earlier this week. A proofreading "expert" gave us tips via video conference. Handouts for the seminar were given to everyone that attended. The expert got through points one and two on the handout. It was point three where we ran into some trouble. Note to self: If you're ever leading a proofreading seminar and someone asks about the mistake on the handout, act like it was a test. Act like that was SUPPOSED to be jacked up to see if people were paying attention.

Point three stated the following: Ways to Proofread, part 1 (sample practice exercises provided to be provided near end of seminar)

Nice work lady. Yeah, you're real credible.

spiders

2008-06-19T12:10:00.003-04:00

So last night I had a dream that I was laying on the couch and a tarantula looking spider crawled up onto the arm of the couch by my feet. Oddly enough I was not distraught over a huge spider crawling up onto the couch. Then the spider shot some webbing at some bug on the floor next to me and started to reel the bug in. Can spiders reel in their webbing? Well, this is my dream damn it- they can reel if they want to. Anyway, so the spider is reeling in the bug and the webbing is kind of going across my body and the end of the webbing gets stuck in my finger because there were barbs on the end of the string of web. Again, this is my dream damn it. So, I get the barb out of my finger and all the sudden the tarantula attacks me. I shut my eyes and started screaming as the tarantula spun a web around my middle finger on my right hand and cut off the circulation. I think I threw the spider off of me at that point and was still screaming while I was trying to cut the web off of my finger with some scissors.
I wonder what all this means? Stop smoking crack perhaps?

Ok- I'm still seeing weird people...

2008-06-03T13:37:00.004-04:00

I went to the grocery on Sunday around 8pm. Primetime for weirdos at the grocery, apparently. I got halfway through the store, stopped to pick up some cottage cheese, and a man approached me from out of nowhere. He said "I love your haircolor. Is that natural?" I told him no and then he proceeded to ask me what color it is and what color they use on my hair. Ok- a) why do you care? are you planning on dying your hair this color? b) my hair is obviously brown with tints of red- how do you think they make this color, genius? by mixing red and brown perhaps? Perhaps you should go back to 1st grade art class.

So I get my cottage cheese and move on to the dairy section in the back of the store. As I'm quickly strolling down the aisle, another man stops me and says, "Excuse me," as he holds up a pack of shredded cheese, "can you melt this?" WHAT? He goes on to ask if you can melt it and pour it on stuff like broccoli. Dude, it's cheese.

I FINALLY made it to the front of the store only to have to wait in line behind 6 people at the checkout. The man in front of me thought he saw another checkout line about to be opened so he went over to the other line only to learn that it was a Kroger employee checking out another Kroger employee. When he realized this, he yelled "Y'all need to open another line!" and then walked back to his spot in front of me. He THEN turns to me and says, "This is like waiting at the bank!" Umm.. ok. He continues, "You know, I just got back from Tampa and everyone wants to wait on you there- you sit down at a restaurant and BAM! You get drinks, salad, bread before you can even count to 2! You know, I'm from Georgia, and I'm really starting to hate this state." Dude, over a long check out line at Kroger? Seriously? He finally made it to the checkout belt and he holds up his Cherry Cordial ice cream and says, "You see this here? This stuff is addicting." I don't care. Finally he was paying and he continues, "I went to Florida once and basically gave 3 pints of blood to the state bird. Mosquitoes. At night, you run your hands across your leg like this, you come up with a whole handful of those suckers!"
Shoot me.

i see weird people- part deux- and they touch me

2008-05-07T10:00:00.002-04:00

About a month ago, Malik and I flew to Pittsburgh to see his family. This was my first time flying with Malik. Everyone that knows me, knows that I HATE to fly. I get anxious, nervous, nauseous.. everything bad. Well, I think flying with Malik did me some good because when I went to New York a couple weeks ago, I was just as relaxed as ever. No pre nerves, no pre nauseousness (look mom, no nauseation!). On the flight up to New York, I still took Dramamine for motion sickness which knocked my ass out. So, on the flight back, I decided I was going to fly drug free! No Dramamine! And the seat pocket in front of me contained no barf bag. Living on the edge, I'm telling ya.
Well, I got on the plane, helped a lady get her heavy carry on into an overhead bin, and was feeling just as perky as ever. I was wide awake when the flight attendants came around with the drink cart. I was in the last row of the plane so when the drink cart finally made it to me, I was all smiles. Well, apparently a little too smiley because the male flight attendant, who had blonde highlights and a unibrow, proceeded to push the cart past me while pinching my cheek. (On my face! dirty minds!) He then came back and said, with a thick accent, "what would you like to drink sweetie?" I asked for ginger ale and he said "do you want ice?" Oh my God, I've never been given this option before. Just give me a damn drink! Finally he came back. "Here you go sweetie". Well, I think I have been cured of motion sickness for sure because if this didn't make me puke, nothing will.

am I the only one who sees this stuff? I don't see dead people- I see weird people.

2008-04-14T14:10:00.003-04:00

I got up pretty early yesterday (Sunday) and decided to go pick up breakfast at Sonic for Malik and me. As I was about to turn left onto the main road out of the apartment complex, I saw a man crossing the street with his arms up like this guy in the pic. It was at this point that I locked my car doors and tried to keep my eyes focused straight ahead. I thought maybe he saw someone he knew and was running across the street to hug them or saw a bear and was trying to scare the bear off. When he crossed the street, he moved out of my line of sight... But as he started walking down the street, he was approaching me at the traffic light.. alone.. not hugging anyone.. not wrestling a bear. I was trying not to look and thinking, "please turn green, please turn green." From what I did see- the man was wearing running clothes so I thought maybe he had just finished running and had his arms up because he had a hard time breathing. What made it worse or even more weird is this guy was at least 6'5". Finally, the light changed before the guy got to my car. I went and got the food and made my way back to the apartment. It took me about 20 minutes to get back to the area near the apartment and there he was again. Walking in the opposite direction, arms up, like a damn goon walking down the main drag in Smyrna. WTF?

i'm kicking my ass! do you mind?

2008-04-09T16:02:00.002-04:00

For some reason today I'm all about self inflicting pain on my jaw. This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I jabbed the damn toothbrush really hard into my gums or some tooth in the back of my mouth and the sh*t hurts. Not that gums or teeth are my "jaw" per se but it's in the same area. Then when I was at the gym on my lunch break today, I was adjusting my sports bra after I put it on (sorry for that visual) and punched myself in the chin. What the hell?

what the?

2008-03-27T10:04:00.003-04:00

Last weekend the weather in Atlanta was beautiful. The temp was in the 70's, the sun was shining. It was so beautiful in fact that I was actually looking forward to going for a run (this is rare). Our apartment complex has a mile long trail that winds around the grounds. I had been running for about a quarter of a mile when I got into the part of the trail that runs along a creek and is shaded by a bunch of trees. As I was coming down the path, there was a squirrel running towards me. This wasn't a big deal, I'd seen squirrels down in this area before. I do try to avoid them though. I think this is due to some nonsense I saw on the tv show "When Animals Attack". What was weird is that this squirrel appeared to be really, really fat. As it got closer to me, it stopped right in the middle of the trail. It was at this time that I realized that the squirrel was not fat. What I had mistaken for extra poundage on the squirrel was actually a mouse, with the same color fur as the squirrel, in the squirrel's mouth. What in the hell? The squirrel was still frozen in front of me, holding a ball of fur by it's front teeth and I'm looking around like "is anyone else seeing this?!" Finally, another girl came up behind me and she was just going to stroll on by oblivious to this carnivorous squirrel that was in front of us. I stopped her before she got past me and said "I'm not really sure what's going on here". She stopped and was startled- I think because I spoke to her, not because of the squirrel. Right after she stopped, the squirrel, with the mouse in it's mouth, ran up a tree. And I started back on my run.

people! strap down your sh*t!

2008-03-12T09:31:00.003-04:00

A couple nights ago, I was driving home from work when traffic came to a dead stop on I-75. This was unusual for the drive home. I called Malik to see if he had left work yet, to see if he was possibly ahead of me on 75 and could tell me what the problem was. We're our own little traffic team sometimes but this time he hadn't left the office yet so he had no info for me. Traffic began crawling along and I finally approached the reason for the congestion. Some idiot lost a broom out of their vehicle. By the time I reached it, it was in a hundred pieces in the middle of the fast lane. I called Malik. "Broom down! Broom down! Avoid fast lane!"

A couple months ago, I was driving on I-285 on a Saturday headed to the mall. When all the sudden, out of no where, I ran over a damn ladder. A LADDER! An aluminum ladder. My tires sent that shit flying and whirling down the highway behind me. I thought for sure my car was totally jacked up, especially my tire. No damage. Just me freaking out as its not every day that you run over a ladder but apparently in Atlanta, there's no telling what you will encounter on the roads.

ice cream

2008-03-06T12:07:00.002-05:00

I was craving ice cream last night. No, I'm not pregnant- although my belly would appear that I'm pregnant due to eating too much ice cream. Anywho, I decided to go to Walgreens down the street to pick up some ice cream. Normally, I would stop at the local ice cream place but as of late, they have been running out (and not restocking) key ingredients. The last 2 times I went there, I was going to get a Strawberry Banana smoothie for Malik and they were out of strawberries. I also like to order a pecan ball which is vanilla ice cream covered in pecans but the last 3 times I've gone, they've been out of balls. So, in order to spare myself the disappointment, I just skip the ice cream place and go to Walgreens.
I decide to pick up something for Malik too. God forbid he have any of my ice cream. So, I'm walking out of the ice cream aisle juggling 3 pints of ice cream. Ok ok, I got an extra one just in case I didn't like the Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Two rather feminine gentleman turn down the aisle walking towards me. One looks at me and says, "Well aren't you lovely?" (I find this funny as I'm juggling 3 pints of ice cream). I responded, "Thank you!". And he said, "Don't thank me, honey, thank your parents." Alrighty then. Mom, Dad- thanks!

when good deeds go bad

2008-02-14T12:05:00.003-05:00

As I approached the counter at Starbucks this morning, I was pleasantly surprised that their was only one person in line. This person however was standing at the cash register with her purse open, wallet on top, and saying something to the barista making her drink. When I got closer, I heard the customer ask if they could break a $100 bill. (sidenote: who takes $100 to Starbucks for a $3 coffee?) The girl working the register said that they couldn't break the bill. The barista then chimes in with a laundry list of other forms of payment they could accept: credit card, personal check.. (sidenote: you're an asshole if you ever write a check for a Starbucks coffee. I'm just saying- don't let me get stuck in line behind you while you're writing a check for coffee on your pink, kitten checks.) Anywho, the customer had no other form of payment so I offered to buy her drink. Ok ok - so my impatience of waiting in line is coming across as a good deed- is that so bad? I just wanted to buy her drink so I could get my damn coffee. So, she's all 'that's so nice. thank you so much. happy valentine's day' yadda yadda yadda. I proceed to order my drink. The barista steps over to the cash register and says, "That was really nice of you, we'll take care of the drink." Yep, she said drink. Not drinks. The bitch comped the other lady's drink and let me pay for mine. How kind. Way to pay it forward, biatch.

coury enjoys my misfortune part II: the bonnie and clyde edition

2008-02-06T09:49:00.001-05:00

A couple weekends ago, Malik and I were at a friend's house playing Guitar Hero into the wee hours of a Friday night. We left their house around 1 or 2am and decided to call in an order to the local 24 hour restaurant, Ken's Corner Grill. We arrived at Ken's pretty quickly; before our order would have been ready so we decided to sit in Malik's truck for a few. While we were sitting in the truck a cop car pulled into the parking lot behind us. Malik and I didn't really think anything of it- we've seen cops eating at Ken's multiple times late at night. This cop, however, just sat behind Malik's truck and didn't pull into a parking spot. A few minutes later, this cop turns on his lights and the big giant spotlight, comes over the loud speaker, and says "Driver turn the ignition off and put your hands out the window!" Well, Malik's driver side window is broken so I roll mine down and scream, "The driver side window is broken!" So, the cop kept repeating himself, I kept repeating myself. Finally the cop (genius) says, "Driver, roll down the back passenger window, and put your hands out!" Christ! It was like playing Twister. Then the cop tells me, the renegade passenger, to put my hands out my window. As soon as I did that, he approached Malik's side and asked him to come to the back of the truck. I couldn't hear what they were saying. A few minutes later, a cop standing about 5 feet behind the truck (I guess I looked dangerous), yells for me to get out and step to the back of the truck. I get out, walk to the back of the truck. It is at this time, I realize that there are now FIVE cop cars surrounding Malik's truck- all with their spot lights on us. Those of you reading this that are from Fort Thomas, now know that Smyrna police have nothing to do just like Fort Thomas cops. FIVE cop cars, are you kidding me?! So, I' m at the back of the truck. Malik is standing next to me. I do not know what came over me, as I'm usually the respectful, yes sir yes ma'am, polite type when it comes to law enforcement but it must have been all the Guitar Hero and wanting to be a rockstar, I looked at the cop closest to me and said, very tersely, "what is all this about?" He responded by asking me if I had any weapons on me. Yeah, you know me, always carrying around weapons. I said no, and he promptly decided to search me, spread eagle across the back of the truck. Nice. Finally, two of the FIVE cops started to explain that there had been a shooting in the area and a truck similar to Malik's had been involved. Please explain to me what kind of genuis would be involved in a shooting and then go order some food at Ken's Corner Grill and sit in the parking lot?! No one! The cops couldn't deduce by those actions alone that they had the wrong truck? LORD! Looks like none of these guys will be applying for an FBI post anytime soon.

Anyway, the cops (ever so nicely) let me go inside Ken's, as it was pretty cold out that night, and pick up our food. Apparently, a few minutes later they apologized to Malik and Malik came inside, we picked up our late night snack, and Bonnie and Clyde went home.

superbowl

2008-02-01T15:40:00.000-05:00

Well, when I typed in "shot in hell" into Google, I expected that one of the first results would be the Giants beating the Patriots in the superbowl. Instead, the first hit was some jackass's blog in Delaware writing about politics and other nerd nonsense.

Anywho, I'll be pulling for the Giants on Sunday. I'm a fan of the Giants and I'm an even bigger NON fan of Tom Brady. While I am realistic, and the Patriots probably will win, I'm still hoping the G-Men can pull out a "shot in hell" victory.

make it stop

2008-01-29T09:16:00.000-05:00

Why, in the name of everything holy, would someone choose to whistle in an office setting? An office setting where some of us don't have doors and all we can do to drown out the piercing high pitched whistling is put on some head phones. I could semi understand whistling while walking down the hall perhaps, or, I don't know, while making your lunch or going to the bathroom. But what in hell does someone have to whistle about while sitting at their desk, in their office, doing work? Christ- do I work with one of the seven dwarves? Maybe people are just annoyingly happy to be doing their job. So, if people can feel open to whistle while their happy doing their work, can I make vomit noises when I'm not happy about doing my work?

it's that time of year again

2008-01-14T11:39:00.000-05:00

Jeff says, "HEY! I'm plunging in the 2008 Polar Bear Plunge and I need your support. Now give me some money! My sister made this stupid picture of me yelling, so give me some money! Please, won't you give me some money?"

Here is the link: http://soky.convio.net/site/TR/Events/General?JServSessionIdr012=7eqjw22we3.app5a&team_id=1070&pg=team&fr_id=1050

Click on Jeff Iker on the roster. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. Please give generously and support my baby bro who will be plunging into freezing cold water on February 2, 2008.

dear God.. what is that thing?

2007-12-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

What in the world is he looking at?

It's a bird, it's a plane... it's...

it's a construction crane next to Don Pablo's restaurant in Bellevue, Kentucky ??

Smokey Mountain Crap-mas

2007-12-10T13:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday afternoon I sat down to watch the first two football games of the day. Green Bay vs Oakland did not look to be an exciting game nor did Dallas vs Detroit. (side note: I'm now wondering if the Falcons had a bye or if they just suck and are not televised anymore due to ticket sales. hmm... and I really don't care. Moving on.) So, I started flipping channels (my favorite past time) and I found a movie on CMT (yes, that's Country Music Television) called "Smokey Mountain Christmas." This movie is from 1986 stars Dolly Parton and I used to watch it OVER and OVER so much that when I watched it yesterday I remembered some of the dialogue and songs (yes. I said songs. It's Dolly Parton, what do you expect?) in the movie.
I do not wish to incriminate my brother at this time but I'm pretty sure he used to watch it with me. (Sorry bro- you probably didn't have a choice, I think we only had one tv at that time, although you could've left the room if you didn't want to watch it, it's not like I tied you down or anything- well maybe I did. Whatever, you watched it to, probably on your own free will)
It is amazing to me the stuff that I was entertained by as a child. I wasted my Sunday afternoon watching this movie that was absolutely AWFUL but as a child, I loved loved loved "Smokey Mountain Christmas".

All Night Long

2007-12-06T16:10:00.000-05:00

Time at home during the Thanksgiving holiday, always means a trip to the Old Fort Pub or just "The Pub" as us locals like to call it. Well, I'm not a local anymore but I can still claim that status after living in Fort T for over 25 years of my life. My friend Jenny and I headed to The Pub the Friday after Thanksgiving. Thank goodness some of our high school classmates were there and even some older than us. It always proves awkward when one is hanging out at The Pub with kids that were in like 6th grade when you graduated high school.
Anyway, so my brother came up and I ended up hanging out with him and some of his high school friends. The drinks were flowing. Two guys that went to our high school, Ben and Brendan, were the musical talent that night. After I was pretty well buzzed, Ben and Brendan played "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie. Me, my brother, our friend Frank (also known as Knarf), and Frank's girlfriend were badly dancing to "All Night Long". Then we all started yelling "Oh jambo jumbo!" from the song. We began interjecting "Oh jambo jumbo!" into every song there after.
sidenote: Frank is going to law school. I just got promoted at my job and now I'm a legal secretary.
Meanwhile, back at The Pub: Frank says to me that I should move back home and be his secretary at his law firm. He said when he walks in the office in the morning, I will ask how he is and he will say "Oh jambo jumbo!"
Always good times at the Old Fort Pub.

I have a retarded ear

2007-12-05T09:19:00.000-05:00

Dad bought bro and me IPods for Christmas. The IPods come with ear bud headphones. Left ear bud fits just fine- my ear seems to cradle, love and caress the ear bud. My right ear is retarded. No matter how hard or in which direction I jam that sucker in, my right ear isn't having it. Complete rejection of the ear bud in the right ear. As a matter of fact, as I type this right now, I'm sitting at my desk with an ear bud in my left ear only. Put the right ear on my list of flaws.

Mr Bean has beans for dinner

2007-11-12T11:08:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday I went up to the community center to run on the indoor track while Malik was playing basketball. I get upstairs to the track and start stretching. Since, I usually go at the same time everytime I go to run at the center, I usually see the same people. On this night, there was a new strange man walking the track.
This man looked like Mr Bean but he was probably only 5 feet tall. Mr Bean also looked like he just got off work at the grease factory where he appears to be the team leader of the grease clean up department.
So, Mr Greasy Bean is walking the track. I start running the track. As I come up behind Mr GB, I realize that he's carrying hand weights. Now, he's not swinging or curling the hand weights, he's holding them... at his side... while he's walking. I do another lap, come up behind Mr GB again. I then realize that he's holding the hand weights with what appear to be napkins. So, wait wait wait. Mr GB, who just got off work at the grease factory, doesn't want to get all germy from holding weights? Ok.
It is at this point that I realize that Mr GB is holding 2 different color weights which, being a person that is in the gym a lot, means he's holding 2 different SIZE weights. Mr GB is holding a green 3lbs. weight in his left hand and a pink 8lbs. weight in his right hand.
Just so we're all on the same page, let's summarize: I'm running on the inside lane of the track, Mr GB is walking on the outside lane of the track holding a 3lbs weight and a 8lbs weight with napkins.
Now, I get to about lap 8 when Mr GB decides to drop a SBD... a silent but deadly fart. So, I'm coming around the track and run smack into this GOD AWFUL, kill your first born, did you eat roadkill for dinner?, I think you need to go change your pants, smell. And I've been running so you know I'm already breathing hard. That shit lingered for FIVE laps.

the wait is over

2007-10-30T09:49:00.000-04:00

In the past 24 hours I've been called: Red, Big Red, Wendy, Ronald McDonald, Carrot Top. I've been asked: "Is that your Halloween hair? Is that a wig? Was that on purpose? Does Malik like it?" I've been told: "The women in my family probably wouldn't have left the house or wouldn't have gone anywhere without a hat." and "I like your hair better blonde."

Despite ALL that.. I like my new do. It's a fun change.

oh dear

2007-10-29T09:05:00.000-04:00

My hair is red. I promise I will put a picture up soon.
Yes, it was intentional. Yes, Malik likes it. Yes, I probably look better blonde but I'm going to rock this for a couple weeks. We'll see if blondes truly have more fun.

sweet baby jesus and sweet potatoes

2007-10-26T15:14:00.000-04:00

Sweet baby Jesus I haven't typed on this damn thing in a LONG time. Sorry friends.

I've been driving around with sweet potatoes in my car for a week mostly due to laziness. My trainer at the gym put me on this new diet. I have no idea what it does but I'm supposed to eat nothing but fruits and veggies Monday thru Friday and then eat protein on the weekend. I went grocery shopping last weekend to get ready for my week of fruit and veggies (delicious). I bought many delectable items from the produce section including a bag of already cut up, skinned sweet potatoes.
Monday afternoon Malik called me at work and said that his friends got us tickets to the Atlanta Hawks preseason game. We would need to head to the game straight after work. I was not prepared as I was in my work clothes and didn't have a change of clothes. So, on my lunch break I went home and got a change of clothes. On my way out the door at the apartment, I thought "I should grab that bag of carrots to snack on at work." Went to the fridge, grabbed the bag of carrots, got in the car. Realized then that I had actually grabbed the bag of sweet potatoes. Cursed for a minute. And the sweet potatoes are still sitting in my cup holder in my car.
Mom, remember when I used to make necklaces out of dried up potatoes that we would put on the dashboard of the car? You interested in a sweet potato necklace?

good story from back in the day

2007-09-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

Back in the good ol' college dorm days, our dorm neighbor, Krissy Carr, had a plethora of CDs. Some of her CDs were of the sappy love song variety... right up my alley. So, being that this was back in the day- the day of mixed tapes and the like, I made a mixed tape from her CDs. Bunch of sappy sappy crap that I happened to LOVE. One of the songs was "Why Does It Hurt So Bad" by Whitney Houston. Krissy happened to have a live version of the song on a CD single. Anyway, so this mixed tape gets played and played. Mostly because I loved all the songs and Coury loved "That's What Love Can Do" by some singer I don't remember so we would play this tape all the time. Well, eventually the tape bit the dust or the tape deck in my car finally stopped wanting to play lame crap, REGARDLESS, the tape was ruined. We were out of college and I had lost touch with Krissy.
Years later, I was at work (answering the phones at the mental health place) and I got an itch to hear that Whitney Houston song. The live version. So, I started searching the internet to see if there were copies of this CD anywhere. (You know, work stuff). I found someone that had a copy of the live version... in the United Kingdom. I thought what the hell- I make $7/ hour, I can afford a CD for $5 plus $20 in shipping. So, I bought it. It arrived.
And it was a record. Nice.
I called around Cincinnati and found a place that could put a record onto a CD. The record had like 5 versions of the song and when I went to pick up my record and CD, the guy that made me the copy said, "By the 5th version I wanted to shoot myself from listening to that crap."
Thanks, buddy. Thanks.

the grudge

2007-09-24T11:54:00.000-04:00

Malik is not scared of anything. He is sometimes "bothered" by heights and doesn't care too much for the movie "The Grudge", but he's never scared. For those of you who haven't seen "The Grudge", I believe that there is a part in the movie when the zombie looking girl crawls up under the sheets of the bed and attacks the lady in the movie.
So, one night last week Malik and I were getting ready for bed. The bed room light was on and the tv was off. Malik was on his side of the bed which is furthest from the light switch. Before I continue, let me say that what is about to happen, I did not mean to do- it just happened. I decided that I would turn the bed room light off while turning on the tv just so he could have light in the room if he needed it. All this because I am lazy and can turn the tv off from the bed. Malik is standing next to the bed. I turn on the tv via remote while I'm walking towards the bed room light switch. Now, in the 5 seconds that it takes the tv picture to come on, while it was still dark, I managed to make it back across the room, crawl across the bed, and reach to give Malik a hug. He thought I was the Grudge. I didn't mean to.

no much going on

2007-09-19T13:49:00.000-04:00

Not too much going on with me lately. I'm going to get my ONE stitch out on Friday. Should be interesting. In regards to my recent passing out, the question that keeps coming up is "how are you going to birth children"? And my answer simply is, "I don't know" but I'm sure it will be a good blog story when the time comes. Calm down. The time is not coming anytime soon.

I would like to thank the Bengals for making me look like an IDIOT in the work football pool last week. Thanks for NOT beating Cleveland. Awesome. Oh! And big shout out to U of L losing to UK. Thanks- picked U of L to win.

And, Brother, if you are reading, please elaborate on the story involving the following main characters: you, a fountain, a cell phone, and alcohol.

like father, like daughter

2007-09-10T10:38:00.000-04:00

Most of you don't know this because I just found out recently myself that my dad almost passed out when I was born. (love you, Pop!) If I remember correctly, he sort of started to slide down the wall while my mom was in labor.
Now, I claim to be a pretty tough gal. Physically, anyways. So, last week I went to the dermatologist to get my moles checked just to make sure I wasn't sporting any weird moley, moley moles (click the link) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvxe04wGmTw.
During my exam I told the doc that I had a "different" looking mole on my thigh. It didn't look like any of the other moles that I have. She took a look and said that it didn't look like anything serious but she would take it off if I wanted her too. If I wanted her to? Shouldn't that be your decision, doc? I have a hard enough time picking out what socks to wear and you're asking me if I want a mole removed? She said she would go ahead and take it off.
So, the nurse numbed a tiny area of my thigh and I was sliced and diced. 30 seconds later- mole removed, 1 stitch in the thigh. Yes, 1 stitch. I turned to look at my wound at this point and the nurse, who was busy cleaning up, started telling me what I needed to do to take care of my "wound". And.... I passed out.

maybe you had to be there

2007-08-29T17:31:00.000-04:00

This may be one of those stories where you actually did have to be there to think it was funny but I'm going to put it on here just so I can remember this story. Malik and I went out to lunch last Saturday to a place called Azios that has various pasta dishes, pizza, and salads. We were finishing up our food and a couple sat down two tables away from us. The staff brings the couple a salad and sets it in the middle of the table. Azios is the type of restaurant where you order your food at the register, they give you a number, and the staff brings the food to the table. I say this because anyone with manners would realize that if you need something, you should go back up to the counter- no one is waiting on you.
Anyway, so this couple start devouring their salad. One of the staff walk by to clean up a table. The guy eating the salad (with his mouth full) keeps saying "sir, sir, sir" to the guy cleaning the table. Finally, the guy cleaning hears the salad eating guy. The guy eating salad (with his mouth still full) says "There's no CHICKEN in my CHICKEN salad." The Azios guy is like "huh? no chicken?" Idiot eating the salad repeats himself (mouth full, trying to be funny) "There's no CHICKEN in my CHICKEN salad." Azios guy says, "Lemme go get you some chicken." Idiot eating the chicken without chicken salad (still stuffing salad in his mouth while talking) says, "Could you just bring some hummus?", then points at the salad and says, "Cause this is about to be gone!" Ya think?

this explains a lot

2007-08-23T13:10:00.001-04:00

thanks to a fancy camera, my cousin was able to capture my mom in her true form.

everyone, my mom...is... an... alien.

bored, vick, and hunting

2007-08-17T14:16:00.000-04:00

I'm totally bored today. I think I've looked at every page on the internet. Click link if you don't believe me : http://home.att.net/~cecw/lastpage.htm

Everyone is waiting on news of Michael Vick's plea deal. I could care less.

Here's an old pic of me at the movie arcade when Malik and I were waiting for a movie to start- can't remember what movie it was that we were seeing. Must have been a good one. Anyway, I was playing Extreme Hunting. I was not able to shoot one damn thing with my big safety orange rifle. Malik managed to take a pic of me while I was entering (shooting) my initials after I lost the game. Apparently you lose if you don't shoot anything. I think the picture is funny because you can see "Extreme Hunting" at the top of the game and then I'm shooting the alphabet. Nice. And I look quite intense for shooting letters.

confused and annoyed

2007-08-15T11:39:00.001-04:00

The title of this blog is confused and annoyed. Let's address the confused part first. There is a person at my job that uses the word "chunk" when talking about throwing something away, ie "No one is using those files so go ahead and chunk them." Huh? This use of the word chunk has confused me. Maybe it's a southern thing. For all of my northern friends, or anyone with an opinion, is the correct word chuck or chunk? Or am I just thoroughly confused?
Now to the annoyed part of this post. Football season is upon us and I am totally excited. I will not be excited, however, if I have to see "Viva Viagra" commercials all season. I'm sure Elvis is so totally stoked that his song "Viva Las Vegas" has been remade for a commercial about ED. And furthermore, why are the guys in the commercial sitting around singing a song about a drug for ED? Seriously, I do not want to see this crap all season. The network should go ahead and chunk this stupid commercial.

Kenny Rogers

2007-08-07T11:59:00.001-04:00

Here we have pictures of two Kenny Rogers. One a pitcher for the Detroit Tigers and the other a country singer.

Last night Malik and I were watching Baseball Tonight on ESPN. ESPN showed a picture of Kenny Rogers, the pitcher, and I asked Malik who he was.

Malik said, "That's Kenny Rogers. You know (begins to sing) 'On the road again, can't wait to get on the road again'."

I said, "You idiot that's Willie Nelson."

Malik sings, "Footloose, footloose..."

I said, "You idiot that's Kenny Loggins. Kenny Rogers sings The Gambler."

Malik says oh, sits there quietly for a sec, then leans over and in my ear sings,

"And the thunder rolls..."

ARG!!

Good times

2007-08-02T16:00:00.000-04:00

1. After refilling my gas tank for $812.37, I continue down the road only to find a gas station that has cheaper gas. This always happens to me. Good times.

2. There is a certain shade of purple that looks really good on me. This shade of purple just happens to be the same color as Barney.. the purple T rex bastard who conveys learning through jumping around singing children's songs with a friendly, annoyingly optimistic attitude. I bought a new shirt and when I pulled it out of the bag Malik said, "Oh, another Barney shirt?" Good times.

3. Playing the card game Bullshit with my mom, aunt, & younger cousins. Yelling bullshit at each other and everyone dropping the F bomb when they get called out for putting down bogus cards. Good times.

holiday

2007-07-26T14:17:00.000-04:00

I am taking a mini holiday (as the Brits say) this weekend. Headed to Louisville to see the ol' college girlfriends. And then headed to Nashville, Indiana. Nope. That is not a misprint. Nashville, Indiana- which is close to Columbus, Indiana. Which brings me to ask, could Indiana not come up with some original names for their cities? Oh! Indianapolis!... wait.. that sounds like.. Indiana. "Sure! Just throw a "polis" on the end of Indiana! Sounds great!"

Anyway, we're staying at "resort" in Indiana that lists this on the front page of their website:

2007 Overlook Restaurant Hours:
Thursday- Saturday: 5:00-9:00
Sunday: 9:00-2:00(Brunch) 5:00-8:00 Dinner With live music.
We are now home of the World Famous
Gnaw Bone Tenderloin!

Hmm.. I'm not to sure about this one. Do I want to stay at a "resort" that advertises a world famous gnaw bone tenderloin? I'm scared.

new pictures

2007-07-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Haven't logged on here in a while- I forgot my damn user name and password. Hope everyone is doing well. I finally uploaded some pictures from my new camera. These pictures are going to be a little random.
First, mom wanted to see a picture of the patio furniture that I purchased for the apartment. Here ya go, Shell.

The plant is fake.

Next, a lovely picture of Malik and I at the office barbeque from a couple weeks ago.

My favorite brother came to see me in Atlanta last weekend and we went to see the Reds/ Braves game. Here are some pics from that.

We had really good seats. All was swell until the drunk Reds fans behind us got into a verbal altercation with some drunk Braves fans. Braves fan yells, "You're a fat piece of sh*t!" Reds fan yells, "Let's go have a talk!" The stadium usher gets involved- he's 82. Good ol' Walter trying to prevent a brawl. Gotta love the drunks....

Fourth of July

2007-07-05T14:05:00.000-04:00

My fourth of July began with some early afternoon shopping, a quick trip to Starbucks and picking up lunch for Malik and me. Malik told me just get something for him from wherever I stopped. Great! Ladies Choice! I decided on Quizno’s. I pulled into the strip mall where Quizno’s is located. Our buddies at Quizno’s decided to observe the fourth of July holiday and were closed. So, I made my way back out onto the main road. Decided then I would get Burger King for Malik and stop at Subway for myself. At this juncture, I’m getting teensy bit aggravated that I now have to stop at two places, one of which does not have a drive thru (oh! the horror!) I park, get out, walk into Subway. The line is wrapped around the inside. AWESOME! You see how hard it is to eat healthy, Jared?! You’re a crock, Jared. You and your Subway nonsense. Meanwhile, back in the line. I get behind Indecisive McGee who can’t make up her damn mind which bread to pick. Oh MY GOD! You’ve been in line for 10 minutes! Were you not thinking about what you wanted to order in those 10 minutes? Or at the very least, what kind of bread you wanted? A few “umm”s and ‘I’ll take Italian…No Three Cheese… No Wheat”s later, Indecisive McGee finally had bread nailed down. At this juncture, I’ve become quite a bit more aggravated. This is when I over here the teenager down the row telling the Subway worker what to put on his sandwich. “Yea, I would like lettuce, pickles, mayos…” Hey kid, what in the hell is mayos? I finally get down to the end to pay. I just wanted a sandwich. I didn’t want a damn drink and chips. Mr Cashier, who takes his job way too seriously, rings me up. After my credit card goes thru, Mr Cashier hands me a cup. Looking at the cup in disgust, I say “I don’t want this. I just want my sandwich.” Mr Cashier says, “No! Deal! We have deal! We have deal. You take!” Christ! Jared, you see how hard it is to be healthy in Subway. You decide not to get the chips and drink, Jared, but they force it down your throat, Jared! They force it!
Finally, I made my way to Burger King, get Malik’s food, get home, figure out a way to carry all the crap inside in one trip. I’m walking up the walkway to our apartment, arms full. Two squirrels cross my path about 5 feet in front of me. I thought they were just going to dart in the bushes. Nope. They stop. In the middle of the walkway, turn, and faced me. If it were a Western movie, the camera would have zoomed in on the squirrel’s face, then zoomed in on my sweaty face looking all intense. The squirrels looked like they were going to pounce, down in the crouch position. Oh wait. That’s how they always look. At this juncture, I started talking to them. Yes, I had reached the level of anger that would cause a person to talk to squirrels. Finally, I parted the squirrel barricade, won the stand off, and made it inside unharmed.

We Will Rock You

2007-07-05T12:06:00.000-04:00

Every now and again I rediscover the group Queen. I go for months not listening to them and then, WHAM, I get the Queen bug and I can't stop listening to their songs. Not sure how a girl, me, that likes Top 40 music gets into a group like Queen but, alas, I am a Queen fan. I believe that I started listening to Queen when, like a lot of people in my generation, Bohemian Rhapsody was released again for the movie Wayne's World. However, the quite humorous bit here is that I had a crush on Freddie Mercury when I first started listening to Queen.

And then I found out he was dead... and then I found out he was gay. RIP Freddie. RIP.

deep thoughts

2007-06-25T13:16:00.000-04:00

It is not too often that I have deep thoughts. And while it is extremely rare that I have deep thoughts, it is even more scarce that I post such thoughts on my blog. However, as Malik and I were on our way to the movies last night, we drove past House of Chan restaurant. And I thought how great it is that we live in a country where we don't all look the same. We have different cultures that we can interact with first hand. We can choose from any number of cuisines- next to House of Chan there is an Olive Garden and a Taco Bell! Not that any of those restaurants fairly represent cuisines from different cultures but ... I am grateful to live in a country where we're not a cookie cutter race. Ok- done with the deep thought. It hurt alittle.

I bought a digital camera this weekend. I'm so excited. I've taken a couple pictures which I'm sure you will soon see on this here blog.

Malik and I went to a work picnic on Saturday evening. We had a great time. Malik, the party animal that he is, just could not be contained.

Thrilled.

I hate Sprint

2007-06-19T14:26:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that Sprint is the bane of my existence right now and my text messaging isn't working. Now, one might say that I'm conceited by implying that people are even trying to send me text messages. In my defense, Sprint likes to tease me by letting me know that I have a new text message, but, alas, the bastards won't let me read the message. It's quite cruel, actually. So, until this mess is fixed, aka until I switch to Verizon, please contact me via email or you can always phone me because good ole Sprint is nice enough to let my calls come through.

Stopping!

2007-06-14T10:38:00.001-04:00

Dear morons that make brake pads for the rollerblades that I currently own:

What kind of craptard thinks that making a brake pad out of plastic is a good idea? I'm assuming this is why the brakes cost a buck a piece. Please look into the new age substance called rubber. Rubber seems to not INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATE while trying to stop at the bottom of a hill. Call me crazy, but when I have to take my rollerblades off and walk back to my apartment in my socks because I have no brake, that's not cool. A sparking lug that once held the brake pad in place, is not the best way to try to come to a stop. Please look into rubber. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
dirty socks.

Happy Birthday to ME!

2007-06-05T12:30:00.001-04:00

Thanks everyone for all the cards, emails, and phone calls. One more year of the 20's for me. And I do plan on enjoying it.

How do these people find me?

2007-06-01T09:19:00.000-04:00

On Tuesday I had to walk to 999 Peachtree (about 4 blocks away) to pick up some MARTA passes for my co workers. When I told some of my co workers that I was going to walk down to 999, all of them had a coronary. They couldn't believe that I was going to walk instead of drive. Since when is walking 4 blocks such a huge inconvenience?
Anyway, I made to 999 just fine. I packed an overnight bag with a tent, lots of water, flashlight, bug repelant, lots of snacks... just kidding. It's just FOUR blocks! So, I got the MARTA passes and started to make the return back to work. On my way back, I had to stop at the first corner because I had to cross the street and I did not have the "good time to cross" signal. There is a girl waiting on the corner also. I stand behind her. Good safe personal space distance behind her. I see no need to walk up and stand next to her in order to cross the street. This isn't a race.
Well, she proceeds to turn around and ask me, "Oh, are you crossing too?" What the f? I said, "yep". What I wanted to say was "Why the hell do you think I'm standing here?" So, we crossed the street. I was going to try to pick up my pace and pass her but she wasn't breaking her stride so I decided to fall back. We get another 2 blocks and she turns around again and says "Oh, you're still back there." What the f?! She slows up and starts walking with me. Tells me the reason why she's walking (I don't care) and where she's from (neat) and where's she's headed (super). I'll tell you where I'm headed... oncoming traffic.

a heart attack on a plate

2007-05-22T10:53:00.000-04:00

I promise I will stop with the crazy pictures. I couldn't resist this one, though. So, I'm trying to get back into cooking. I'm sorry. I can't concentrate. What in the hell is going on in this picture? Why is that man wearing a helmet?

Anyway, Malik bought a George Foreman Grill and I figured I can handle cooking on George. I was looking for recipes online yesterday that are specific to George. I found a recipe for frisco melts which is the sandwich that I get at Steak n Shake. I just happened to see the nutritional information on Steak n Shake's frisco melt. You ready for this folks? 93 GRAMS OF FAT. Yep. In one sandwich. What is that? A fat allowance for a week? Anyway, I made a much much leaner version of the frisco melt for dinner last night. It was mighty tasty. I made Malik wear his helmet while he ate it though.

I heart moving

2007-05-14T16:42:00.000-04:00

I would like to say that the moving process for Malik and me went just as smoothly as the two retards in this picture, but, alas, it did not. (nice white socks, buddy). Malik and I got up at 8:30am and were not finished until about 10:30pm. I, being the smart cookie that I am, made sure that I knew where the bed linens were so when we got to the new place, I could just throw the bed linens on and go to sleep. I can't remember the last time I was that exhausted. Now we're playing the "have you seen the (insert random household object here)?" game. That's fun. And as I woman, I must admit that I was the worst "estimator" when it came to estimating how many boxes we would need. We had to go buy 10 more x-large boxes the afternoon of the move. Anyway, we're pretty much settled in the new place. We both absolutely love it. Now comes the decorating...

Happy Derby!

2007-05-01T13:15:00.000-04:00

Its Kentucky Derby time! Get your hat on! (Mira, I like your beret!)

Louisville here I come!

drunk

2007-04-23T11:53:00.000-04:00

No, I do not know the idiot in this picture. I'm sorry if you do. Looks like Happy here is drinking a long island iced tea. Did you know the long island iced tea was "invented" in the late 70's by a bartender named Robert Butt? I'm not joking. Look it up. I want to send Mr. Butt a big thank you very much for inventing the drink that continues to knock me on my ass.

Susan and I went out on Saturday. We had a couple long islands while we were dancing. Then, we went and stood on the patio for a while. Suz had a long island in her hand. (I had cut myself off). We were standing there talking. I dropped my purse and I bent down to pick it up. While I was standing back up, my head knocked the glass out of Susan's hand. It shattered on the floor. Somehow in the process, Susan's ring got caught in my hair. (I'm actually laughing out loud while I'm typing this) Susan and I were both doubled over in laughter while trying to get her ring out of my hair while I keep yelling "I've been hit by shrapnel!" from the broken glass.
Thank you Mr. Butt. Thanks! Love, Emily

The game wins!

2007-04-18T10:29:00.000-04:00

I expressed interest to Malik about joining a volleyball or softball team at the gym where he plays basketball. Malik somehow got the name of a guy who needed another girl on their team. I spoke to this guy on Tuesday and he asked me to play in their game Tuesday night. Sure. I went into the gym at 8:45. And I'm looking for a team that I have never met. So, I'm walking up to every group of people asking them what team they are on (half of them don't even know their team name- awesome) And to make it even more humiliating, the team I was playing for was called Mystery Meat. So, as I'm asking people what team they are on, they ask me what team I'm looking for. Umm... Mystery... Meat. This one jackass says, "Oh, Mystery Meat? That's green." And I say, "Oh the team wears green?" He says, "No, the mystery meat- that's the green stuff in the fridge." Hey guy- thanks!!

I finally found my team, we have negative 3 seconds to warm up. We walk out on the court. Everyone but me gets into this weird T formation on the court. I'm scrambling like uh where the hell am I supposed to be as the other team is serving the ball. I hate my life.

I don't know what "level" of play I signed up for but this was like professional, college, been playing since I was a child, Karch Kiraly style volleyball. No one "volleyed" the ball, everything was a spike. People on my team were diving. On every single serve, my team had to tell me where to stand. And then some of them started pointing at me saying "stay... you stay". WHAT? I'm not a dog! I was, however, a deer... caught in the headlights. I don't think anyone has prayed to Jesus, Joseph, and Mary during a volleyball game as much as I did that fateful night.

We played four games. I honestly don't know if we won any of them. I was just happy I was alive.

Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.

2007-04-09T17:52:00.000-04:00

I should be more compassionate. I really should... considering I worked at a mental health agency for 5 years but, alas, I am not. I walked into the gym locker room last week. I headed for the lockers so I could change into the workout gear. There was lady in the locker room. By herself. Laughing. Alright, I thought, maybe there was something funny on tv. (There are tv's in the locker room) Then I realized Rachel Ray's talk show was on, and while Rachel is great cook, she definitely ain't no stand up comedian. Lady still in the locker room. Still by herself. Still laughing. Alright, I thought, maybe she has one of those cell phones in her ear that I can't see. I go about my business, change my clothes. I head over towards toilets in the locker room. Crazy is standing about 5 feet away from the mirror, putting on lip gloss, and still laughing. What in the? Whatever. I went to work out. 45 minutes later I come back in the locker room. She is still there. Now, she has 4 plastic bags spread out across the locker room and she is just beside herself- laughing and singing. I went to talk to one of the gym staff members. Her response, "Yeah, she's not supposed to be in there." Alright then.

Emily vs. Carbonated Drinks

2007-04-05T14:20:00.000-04:00

I don't like carbonated drinks. Never have. I drink water. And for the record, I was drinking water when it wasn't cool to drink water- before the big bottled water influx. Back in the day, places didn't serve water like they do now. I would be lucky to get someone to sell me a cup of ice and be even luckier to find a damn water fountain to fill up the cup of ice with some ice cool refreshing water. Yea, try being the girl at the slumber party who didn't want the Coke that came with the pizza. I've stuck to my water drinking ways and I think the carbonated drinks are finally out to get me.....

Last week I went grocery shopping, came home, and started to put the groceries away. As I opened the freezer, I was greeted by a freezer covered in brown slush. My loving boyfriend put a Pepsi in the freezer and it exploded. And it exploded brown slush all over. We (I) have since cleaned it up but there is still food in the freezer covered in the slush. Me, being the lazy and not liking sticky things on my hands person that I am, haven't eaten the ice cream in the freezer in a week because the carton is covered in slush. Its a good dieting technique. Dang you carbonated drink.

Yesterday, I started my new position at my job. One of my first tasks was to restock the fridge with water and Cokes. As I was taking a diet Coke out of its 6 ring plastic holder, the diet Coke next to it decided to jump ship. As the renegade diet Coke landed on the floor, the can exploded. I was wearing a skirt. It was a little bit like Marilyn Monroe when she stepped over the street vent and her skirt flew up ONLY my skirt didn't fly up from air. My skirt flew up because of the diet Coke spraying out of the crack in the can. 10 seconds later, my legs, hands, and face were covered in diet Coke spray. The walls inside the pantry were streaked in diet Coke.

I think I'm going to have to make a ritualistic sacrifice to the gods of carbonated drinks.

my review of the movie "300"

2007-03-27T17:17:00.000-04:00

Malik and I went to see 300 on Sunday. I thought the movie was very good.

For those of you that don't know, 300 is "a ferocious retelling of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae in which King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army. Facing insurmountable odds, their valor and sacrifice inspire all of Greece to unite."

side note: after we saw the movie, Malik will now spontaneously, boistrously yell (while in our apartment), "THIS IS SPARTA!" It's fun.

When I went to work on Monday, one of the attorneys asked me if I saw 300 over the weekend. I said yes and I really liked it. He asked if the fight scenes were gory.

I said, "Not really. I mean people's heads get chopped off and you see the inside of their severed head and neck but nothing so gory that I had to look away."

I am an idiot.

my advice

2007-03-16T16:56:00.000-04:00

My place of employment is hiring and they ask me to be directly involved in the interviewing process. Over the past couple days, 6 candidates have come through. In meeting with them, I have a few thoughts.
1. Don't wear your new spring dress and sandals to an interview. This ain't Easter, honey, its a job interview.
2. If someone gives you a ride to your interview, do not invite your ride to come in to the office with you. And furthermore, when the office manager offers you a beverage, do not yell to your ride to ask if they want a drink. This ain't a bar, honey, its a job interview.
3. Do actively listen when I'm speaking to you. Do not, however, interrupt me mid sentence to say, "yea. uh-huh. ok." Let me finish my thought, then you can pretend like you're listening to me.
4. While I am telling you about the position and showing you around the office, do not interrupt me to ask "who does your eyebrows?"

Are.You.Kidding.Me?

Coury enjoys my misfortune.

2007-03-09T10:13:00.000-05:00

I recently wrote an email to my friend, Coury, about my night out last Friday. She told me that everytime something awful happens to me she gets a good laugh out of it. Maybe you will too. Enjoy...
I met Susan and her friend out on Friday. I went into the club by myself since I was meeting them there. While I was waiting in line, some athlete or some crap celebrity, cuts in front of me with his wife and everyone is all "can we get you anything? please let us know if you need anything. let them know downstairs if you want VIP. nice to see you." blah blah blah. Finally I get in the club, there is like negative 5 people there. There is a couple by the bar heavily making out (its 10:30- drunk before you came, eh?) Soon after Susan and her friend arrive, the drunk couple start dancing (aka stumbling and hanging all over each other) on the dance floor. We get drinks and head out on the dance floor too. We are a good 10 feet away from the drunkards. I had my back to them. The drunk guy backs into me. I turn around like what the hell? He apologizes and I say "Yeah the dance floor is REAL crowded, huh?" He flips me off. NICE. 5 minutes later, had my back to them again. He backs up and grabs my butt. I ignore it. I continue to avoid his antics by moving every time he comes over our way. The final straw was him backing up his girl towards where we were, grabbing my purse and moving it to the back of the speaker so that he can put his girl up on the speaker. (He never quite got her up on the speaker, as I'm pretty sure she weighed about 250). Anyway, I was pissed and the night just sucked because I couldn't get out of the funk.

a beached whale

2007-03-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

First, I want to say that I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile. I was in Florida part of last week. I know, I know. Everyone hates me. Everyone including all of the Florida "blue hairs" (senior citizens) that had to witness me squeezing my fat ass in to a bathing suit after gaining 10 lbs.
"Look Betty! I didn't know they had whales in Florida! Look at the one laying by the pool!"
I had a good time with my family despite my aunt's speech impediment (you know who you are) and the fact that this same aunt uses a porn store as a landmark.
"Oh! Yes! Turn left at the smut store!"
Fabulous.
Anyway, I'm still recovering from my trip. I've been exhausted for the past week. (I'm tellin' ya, partying with your mom, going to bed at 9:30, really takes it out of ya.) I'm trying to get my energy back and tone up alittle (ok, a lot) so I've been going to the gym on my lunch breaks. Today, I was laying on the mat doing side crunches. I did one side and went to change position to do the other side of my body. I somehow managed to turn myself around ended up being in the position to do crunches on the side that I had already done. What the ...? So, I'm laying there for a sec thinking do I flop back onto my other side again? Do I play it off and just do another set on this side? Then I'll have to do 2 sets when I flip to the other side! DANGIT!
"Look Betty! There is a whale flopping around on that mat in the corner!"

I've become THAT girl

2007-02-16T11:00:00.000-05:00

People back home will understand this. You know when someone from a warmer climate comes to visit when its cold and all they do is complain about how cold it is and all you want them to do is shut their damn pie hole? I've become THAT girl. The one that complains about being cold. I'm so ashamed. Malik and I were out last night and I'm guessing the temperature was in the 30's. I was so cold, like cold to the bone cold, like my teeth were cold cold. And I'm thinking, I am such a damn pansy- Cincinnati is covered in snow and ice and I'm here shivering. Malik said its because your blood thins out. I think I'm just a pansy.

Rocket science

2007-02-09T09:35:00.000-05:00

I went driving around last night. I know my way around the area of the apartment pretty well but I don't know "what's out there". So I suppose I went "exploring". While I'm driving around I'm wondering what jackass came up with the street names around my apartment. For example, there is Cobb Parkway and South Cobb Road. Yes two different roads. I live on Windy Hill Road and I drove past a Windy Ridge Parkway. There is South Atlanta Road (what genius came up with that one?) but as far as I know there is no North Atlanta Road. We have Northside Drive and Northside Parkway, Paces Ferry and Powers Ferry, Interstate North Parkway West. What the hell is that? Then, I work on Peachtree Street but 2 blocks away there is a West Peachtree Street which is an entirely different road. And my favorite are the roads that are called simply Boulevard and Parkway. Geniuses just gave up at that point I'm assuming. "Aaahhh screw it! Lets just call this road...umm.. Street!".

Thanks to all that donated...

2007-02-05T10:22:00.000-05:00

Jeff raised over $1000 for Special Olympics! Great job, bro! Now, about that wind chill in the teens? How dat feel?

We found a winner!

2007-02-01T15:34:00.000-05:00

Something miraculous has happened. I cooked. And it was good. And Malik liked it. And we're both still alive.
It all happened with a recipe from my Abs Diet book. I went to the store and bought all of the ingredients. Came home and followed the step by step instructions, or recipe, if you will, and made.... meatball hoagies. I actually made the meatballs. And when I say made I don't mean I turned on the oven and cooked the frozen meatballs. I mean I actually rolled up some ground pork into a ball and cooked it. Wait wait wait. So I actually made porkball hoagies?
That sounds gross.

REAL classy, Atlanta

2007-01-25T10:53:00.000-05:00

It took me an hour and a half to get to work today.
And as I started my journey at 8:30 this morning, while I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, I thought there had to be a huge accident to basically turn 5 lanes of I-75 into a parking lot. As I sat in traffic still at 9:00 having moved only 2 miles in a half an hour, I thought not only was there an serious accident, but someone must have died in the wreckage. So I said a prayer. At 9:30, while being only halfway to work, I said a prayer for myself, as I was ready to murder someone. Finally, I arrive at work at 10am. And I check the news. There was no deadly accident. Here is the headline:

Motivational seminar, poultry convention jam downtown

A freaking poultry convention?!!? Bastards!!!!

Drunkards

2007-01-24T14:36:00.000-05:00

It would probably be easier to make a list of the Cincinnati Bengals who have NOT been arrested in the past year. I told a friend that I saw Michael Vick driving around Atlanta about a month ago. Her retort was "You have to be careful in Cinncinnati because if you see a Bengal driving around, there's a 95% chance he's drunk." NICE.
My favorite comment about one of the Bengals' players getting pulled over was from my cousin. He said that when they pulled over C. Henry, that his license was expired, his tags were expired, and he even had a gallon of expired milk in the back seat.
Nine players arrested in the past year. Good work Bungels. Good work. You all aren't the ones that have to live with a Steelers fan-thanks for your help.

What I've Been Up To

2007-01-24T14:13:00.000-05:00

I seem to have forgotten that this blog is supposed to be about what I'm up to and not always about funny things that happen to me. Sorry that I haven't written in a while.

Last Saturday I got to watch an old VCR tape of Malik playing basketball in college. I absolutely loved it. It was Marshall vs. VMI. (VMI sounds like a disease- like an STD or something. Sorry, that was TMI) I didn't know that the VMI (Virginia Military Institute) called themselves the Keydets. Umm..WTF. Why not call yourselves the Cadets?? Whatever. It doesn't matter- Malik played for the Thundering Herd of Marshall and I'd say thats not much better. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the tape. At one point, Malik was fouled and fell on his back out of bounds. When he sat up, the camera was right in his face and he said, "Hi Mom!" What a cheese! I always tell Malik that he's famous and he always tells me that he's not. (He is)

In completely unrelated news, I have purchased two video games for Malik's XBox- games that I can play: Galaga and Joust. My brother and I used to play Galaga and Joust for hours when we were kids. (OMG! Galaga! When you can get the double or triple fighter jets! Love it!) Anyway, I've attempted to play these games recently and its not fun anymore. I'm sad. Brother, when you come visit, we'll have to play. Maybe its not fun because I'm not playing the games with you.

To my high school girlfriends in Fort Thomas, have a wonderful time in Gatlinburg this weekend. I'm sorry that I won't be joining you this time but can't wait to hear all the stories. Tell Darts I said hi. =) Miss you girls.

Things I hate....

2007-01-16T10:02:00.000-05:00

I hate when it rains from Cincinnati to Atlanta and doesn't stop. (For those of you playing along at home, that would be 6 1/2 hours of driving in continuous rain)
I hate that I can never figure out the perfect interval speed for the wind shield wipers and that I can never, ever seem to figure out how to defog a windshield properly.
I hate when I stop to get gas in BFE, Tennessee and to my left is a tanker truck blocking the left exit and to my right is an old man who conveniently decides to back into a parking spot but only backs in 1/3rd of the way and is blocking the right exit. Fabulous.
I hate, while sitting at a sushi bar, the waiter, who keeps saying, "I'm sorry. I have short arms" keeps reaching past me, while putting his armpit in my face, to get sushi for his tables.

... but I do like seeing my friends and family, so its all worth it. ;)

A lovely afternoon of Starbucks etiquette and morons

2007-01-09T15:25:00.000-05:00

I used the last 20 minutes of my lunch hour to walk to Starbucks for a latte. Its so damn windy, I basically get blown to Starbucks.

On my way there, I was entranced by a man that was walking in front of me who was so distracted by his cell phone, that he didn't realize the sidewalk had ended and he stumbles off of the sidewalk into the street.

Finally, in Starbucks, I am the fifth person in line. The lady behind me thinks that if she stands very close to me that the line will go faster. She is standing so close, in fact, as she raises her arm, she hits my purse. And as she lowers her arm, she hits my purse. With the second hit she said she was sorry and I wanted to turn around and say, “back up you stupid cow”. But I didn’t. I haven’t the slightest inclining why she was raising and lowering her arm, in the first place. I realize later that I think she was fluffing her feathered bangs. HOT!

After I ordered my latte, I went to look at Starbucks merchandise near the drink pick up counter. Purse Puncher goes and stands AT the drink pick up counter. Better yet, HOVERS at the drink pick up counter. The guy making the drinks, Eric, is quite possibly the most annoying barista I have ever encountered. He starts talking to Purse Puncher in a British accent and starts singing a song about foam. Christ! My drink comes up. Eric says, “grande triple non fat latte” and I start to approach the pick up counter to get my drink. Purse Puncher says, “no, I ordered a venti”. I wanted to say, “well, of course you did stupid cow because that drink is mine. Now, if you wouldn’t mind backing up for the second time!” But I didn’t.

On my way back, I was entranced by a man that was standing at a corner trying to cross the street but cross traffic had a green light. He was approached by a homeless man asking him for money and in order to avoid the homeless man, this jackass steps out into the street and almost gets hit by a car… twice!

the rainbow

2007-01-05T12:57:00.000-05:00

This was view from our office today.

2007-01-04T09:39:00.000-05:00

Today's blog is Emily venting. If you don't want to hear me piss and moan please close the browser now and do not continue.
My first issue is Blogger. I edited and reposted my blog from yesterday about 47 times. Each time looking more jacked up than before. Why when I'm creating a post, to when I actually post on the blog, does the freaking format, picture placement, and spaces between paragraphs just seem to do whatever the hell it wants? I did not intentionally make 32 spaces between each paragraph in yesterday's blog. This is the kind of stuff that I lose sleep over. Get a life!
My second issue is buying car insurance. Before I moved to Atlanta, I was on my parent's policy aka my dad picked all the coverage blah blah blah. So, now I'm trying to figure out all of this insurance jargon and figure out what the crap coverage to get. The part that I need to vent about is that you can buy insurance to cover you if you are hit by an uninsured driver. What the hell? I understand that that kind of coverage is needed but... hey you slam into me, you don't have insurance? Oh! I'll pick up the tab. No problem- could you just give me a hand with my bumper and driver's side door? Yeah, just put them in the trunk.
And what else I hate about buying car insurance (since you asked), I feel like the minute I don't buy coverage for something, that uninsured something will happen to me on the way home from work. I suppose I will be slammed into by an uninsured driver on the way home today.

Aveda face wash can also be used as WD-40 in a "I need to get the bathroom door off" situation.

2007-01-03T11:54:00.000-05:00

It is one of these contraptions to the left (or lack thereof) that gave my mom a little trouble today.

I called my parent's house today to talk to my dad about car insurance (thrilling) and my mom answers the phone. I hear extremely loud banging in the background.

"What's that banging?" I ask.

My mom replies, "I was stuck in the bathroom and grandpa is rehanging the bathroom door."

My mom is redoing the upstairs bathroom since Jeff and I have vacated the premises. Apparently my mom removed the door knob to do some sanding or painting or something and shut the bathroom door (sanding makes dust, you know) and PRESTO! ... she couldn't get out. As some of you know, my mom has a bit of an anxiety problem. Anxiety+being stuck in a bathroom=not good. So, apparently she harnessed her anxiety into rage. Macguyver, aka my mom, concocted a Aveda face wash and shaving cream solution to loosen the door hinges and managed to REMOVE THE ENTIRE DOOR from the hinges. Good God. She then phoned my grandpa, who came over to rehang the door.

If you like pina coladas...

2006-12-27T16:01:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas weekend in Cincinnati was a whirl. Lesson learned: Sunday Night Fever at Annies should be renamed Thug Teen Party. We couldn't even turn into Annies because there were so many cars cruising on the street, in the parking lot, in the grassy knoll across the street... all dressed up for a night out so Susan and I ... went ... home. Fabulous.

Sunday began at grandma and grandpa Ikers'. My grandma is having some serious memory problems so she was asking my grandpa who was in the kitchen. He said that Steve, Shelly, and Emily were in the kitchen. I, however, had moved seats and was not in the kitchen, I was sitting next to my grandpa in the living room. I wasn't going to say anything- didn't want to confuse anyone further. So, my grandma realizes that I am sitting across from her in the living room, and thinks that my grandpa is trying to trick her. She then (jokingly) says, out of frustration, "I should've divorced you a long time ago!" Jeez. I should've gone in the kitchen.

Monday, Christmas day, began with 10am mass and of course, mom and I manage to sit by the fast talker at church. Does every church have one of these fast talkers? Or are we the only ones that are blessed? Fast talkers are the ones that don't say the prayers with the congregation, they say everything real fast. Its like a contest to really, really challenge one's concentration. And if fast talker is successful in throwing people off around her, one side of the church is speaking faster than the other. Oh... its something to be heard. Really.

Monday at Grandpa Petracco's consisted of bourbon slushes and pina coladas. You know, I always say, nothing says Christmas like a pina colada. Instead of an umbrella, we should've put a poinsettia in it. Lovely. After a few drinks, karaoke followed. You know I was wrong- nothing says Christmas like pina coladas FOLLOWED by karaoke. Yikes. Well, I had to participate so I sang "Mountain Music" by Alabama (great Christmas song, I know)

I am not bringing sexy back.

2006-12-20T09:19:00.000-05:00

There is a reason that I haven't gotten my hair styled at a salon for an event since 1994. The reason is hairspray. I was a sophmore, going to prom with a junior. I went to get my hair done with 2 other friends. My stylist put curlers in my hair, took them out, and my hair looked amazing. To my horror, she then took a brush and brushed my hair out into some God awful bouffont and proceeded to "lock in" the bouffont with probably a can of hair spray. Tramatic, I know. When I got home, I'm sure there were tears and I had to redo my hair myself.

With the chance of me being driven straight into the need for therapy, I made a hair appointment for last Saturday. I decided to get my hair styled for my firm's holiday party. Heather, the stylist (who will later rob me of my sanity), and me, the victim, discuss how I want my hair styled. She begins blow drying my hair with a big round brush. She then says that my hair isn't cooperating. Guess what she reaches for?! Oh yes! Devil in a can... Hairspray! As she is taking each section of my hair into the round brush to blow dry it, she sprays hairspray underneath each section of hair.

When she finished, it didn't look that bad. I just had really big hair. But apparently she had some type of animosity toward my hair because it wasn't cooperating with her earlier. She says, "Your hair is not going to move. I don't want it to fall" I'm thinking, "Noooooooo!" Cue the hairspray. Half a can. In my hair. So much in fact, my head had an atmosphere for a good 5 minutes after she was done. I was a walking flammable object. Here comes my favorite part. When the stylist asks "so... how do you like your hair?"

Went home, brushed it out, curled it... Voila! Beautiful.

Malik and I arrived at the party. He was looking very handsome in his suit and tie. I, with my big hair, looked pretty snazzy myself. It was quite crowded when we arrived and it was a little hot amongst all the people. As I was mingling, trying to make conversation, while worrying about where Malik was, if he was stuck talking to someone he didn't know, and it was getting hotter & hotter.... I was not bringing sexy back. I was bringing sweaty back. But, alas, my hair did not falter.

the light bulb

2006-12-13T15:08:00.000-05:00

For those of you who don't know, the law firm that I work for has been around for over 100 years. The firm has worked with Thomas Edison, Alexander Graham Bell, Henry Ford, and the Wright Bros. In honor of our relationships with these inventors, our conference rooms are named Edison, Bell, Ford, and Wright. As many of you know, Edison invented the light bulb. So, it is with this fact in mind, that I find it quite humorous that the lights in our Edison conference room are not working.

My brother, the humanitarian

2006-12-08T09:55:00.000-05:00

If humanitarian means freezing your balls off, then thats my brother. I'm sorry. I've lost you. My brother is raising money for Kentucky Special Olympics. And he is doing so by participating in the 2007 Polar Bear Plunge at Newport on the Levee in February. Before you get concerned, he will be jumping into a pool set up on the Levee, not jumping into the Ohio River. He has invited me to jump into the pool with him, but, alas, I have decided not my idea of fun. My idea of fun is to help him raise money. Click on the link for this website: http://kentucky-ohioplunge.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=209784&lis=1&kntae209784=4B4F66D6522A423496B3553F17048488

On the right side of the screen, click on Jeff Iker or on NKU Norse Polar Bear Society and you can make a donation. Jeff is in first place right now for donations and I would like to keep it that way. Thanks everyone!

NOT the happiest place on Earth!

2006-12-07T12:10:00.000-05:00

I went out with Susan and her mom last weekend and here is how my night went:
First off, we had been sitting there for a half hour and the waitress comes over and says those gentlemen over there wanted to buy you gals a round of drinks. So, OF COURSE, Susan and her mom get up to dance and I'm like fresh meat sitting at the table alone. (I don't know why I didn't get up to dance...) Anywho, so Crazy that bought us drinks comes over. From far away and in the dark he looked ok, but up close the guy looked like Walt Disney. I'm not joking. He looked like a young Walt Disney. And I'm pissed because he bought us drinks and I feel like I have to make conversation. Walt (I think his name was Toby, but we'll call him Walt) proceeds to ask how old I am and if I have children. I said no and then he says that I'm getting pretty old and I should really think about having kids soon. What moron says that to a girl in a bar? I excused myself and went to the bathroom.

While in the bathroom stall, I hear a bunch of commotion about a girl who has lost her purse. Turned out she didn't loose her purse, a lady had taken it off the bathroom sink while the girl was turned around drying her hands. The lady that swiped the purse (genius) didn't leave the bathroom... oh no.. she went and stood in one of the stalls. So, the girl that lost her purse, CONFRONTS the purse stealer in the bathroom and starts screaming DON'T STEAL, DON'T STEAL!! and runs out to get security.

Happy holidays.

Sushi as big as your head

2006-12-04T16:19:00.000-05:00

Recap of recent events:
My firm had an opening party last Thursday. Actually, it was more like an opening gala. In preparation for the gala, I helped decorate our Christmas tree in the lobby. Which means I have fulfilled my Christmas decorating quota for this year. I hung a good 15 ornaments and I'm done. The party began at 5:30 and each of our conference rooms had different types of food. Don't worry, Mom, I filled up a plate in each one of them. I arrived at the room that had the sushi. Now this was not regular sushi, this sushi had an extra ring of rice around it. So-- delicious crab & veggie center plus 2 rings of rice around the outside.

Side note: one night while dining out with Mira and Coury, (sushi queens) I decided I was going to try a bite of sushi. "You can't just bite off a piece, " they said. "You have to put the whole thing in your mouth."

Meanwhile, back at the gala, I fill my plate up with 4 sushis and I'm standing in a conference room talking to Malik, one of our attorneys, and his wife. Following the advice of the sushi queens, I put the whole piece in my mouth. Ladies, you know that panic feeling that comes over you when you're in a dressing room, trying on clothes, and you get stuck in the clothes usually when its about halfway over your head? Yes, this is the type of panic that came over me when I put a piece of sushi the size of my head in my mouth at the law firm gala. I managed to stay calm and finish the monster. I found a picture of those suckers...
The rest of the night went exceptionally well.

I know my graphics suck...

2006-11-28T14:13:00.000-05:00

Hello friends. I'm sorry I don't have any neat graphics to go with my post today. I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I spent Thanksgiving with Malik's family. I met aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma... everyone was really nice and very welcoming to me. One of their family traditions is to play spoons. (For some reason everytime I tell this story, people ask if I'm talking about playing spoons on one's thigh- like a musical instrument. Ok. No.) My family used to play spoons too and we would sit a the dining room table, put the spoons in the middle of the table and pass the cards. So, I thought I was good to go with playing spoons with Malik's family until they started moving furniture out of the way in the living room. Huh? Everyone starts to sit on the floor in a circle, the game starts and I soon realize why we are sitting on the floor. As soon as someone grabs a spoon, people start lunging at each other and tackling each other trying to get spoons from people. Oh My God- what have I gotten myself into? So, I grab for a spoon and scream the whole time. No one touches me. I lasted 4 rounds and managed to make it out with my limbs and my life.

What does my basketball graphic have to do with Thanksgiving? Absolutely nothing. (Smooth transition)

I went and watched Malik play basketball last night. He has an amazing talent. I really love watching him play. At the end of the game, he dunked on someone. The gym went crazy! I just smiled and shook my head. I really wish that I could've seen him play in college.

Thanksgiving with Trolls

2006-11-27T16:05:00.000-05:00

My brother is so clever and funny. Read the email that he sent to our cousins and me along with the attached picture:

Hello Everyone,
Just wanted to take the time on behalf of all our handsom and beautiful family members to wish everyone a great Thanksgiving.
I want to thank Laura for not growing her hair out any farther or perhaps my attendance at Thanksgiving last year may not have been documented.
Emily, where did you get the product to calm the sides of your hair? I want some.
Love,
Jeff

Bro, it is not nice to make your sister snort at work. ;) Good one.

Cheer up, Charlie! Give me a smile!

2006-11-20T17:30:00.000-05:00

Augh! The title of my blog is the stupidest song in a movie EVER! And it always gets stuck in my head! So, Malik and I watched Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971 version) this weekend. I'm not sure why we watched it. I don't know if there wasn't anything on tv or if we couldn't find the remote or if we mutually, non verbally CHOSE to watch this movie. Malik was mad because I knew all of the dialogue and all of the words to all of the songs.

We also went shopping at some outlet malls north of Atlanta this weekend. I went a little crazy in the Banana Republic store but the prices were excellent! Poor Malik went to Nike, Adidas, and Puma and didn't find anything. :( so sad.

Malik and I also went to the Cheesecake Factory that just opened by our apartment. The wait to get in was an hour and a half to 2 hours. So... we waited. Good gracious! I'm telling you, being out with Malik is like being out with a celebrity. Everyone knows him. The Hightowers go out a lot in Atlanta (and frequent the other Cheesecake Factory locations) and there were servers, hosts, managers coming up to our table asking if we were doing ok and then one of the hosts says, "let me know next time you come in, and you won't have to wait." WHAT? First of all, who gets treatment like that? Second, where was this guy 2 hours ago???

Did anyone else notice that our weekend had a Factory theme?

So, I made tilapia on Thursday. I put this parmesan, mayo, butter concoction on top of the fish and broiled it. Malik asked, "what sides are we having?" I went into some long rambling speech about let me just worry about the main dish OK? I don't know what we're having for sides. So Malik picked up some sides from Winners. Baked beans, mashed potatoes, and macaroni & cheese. I missed the cooking class when baked beans went with fish. I guess maybe if you're camping. ANYWAY, so I make the fish. It looks and smells really good. We make our plates a la buffet style. I take my first bite.... the fish tastes like fish. The damn concoction does not mask the taste of the fish AT ALL. So I ask you, why in the heck am I putting butter, mayo, and cheese on top of my fish (hello extra fat and calories) and the fish tastes the same? I'm not giving up. Cheer up Emily! Give me a smile! AUGH!

I didn't feel like chicken last night.

2006-11-16T14:39:00.000-05:00

An update to my loyal readers: I didn't cook last night. Dang! I can hear everyone boo and groan. Actually, Malik was happy. He doesn't like to play Rotisserie Roulette with his chicken. I did make some hot apples for Malik last night. That was uneventful, nothing to report there. Something I don't quite understand is how the heck my mom would work all day, come home, and put together a meal for 4 people by 5:30. A meal, people! A meal! I'm still working on the main entree. I went to Kroger after work, made the hot apples, then sat down and watched Dancing with the Stars (go Emmit!) and ate (I'm embarrassed to say) chips and salsa for dinner. Dang! Again with the boos and groans. Quit it! I was tired after searching and searching the aisles of Kroger for lemon juice. Oh, its not in the juice aisle, people! Anyway, Malik has been warned, I'm going to make fish tonight. I know, I know. I feel pretty confident in my tilapia making skills so I'm going to try tilapia first, then a chicken dish. Broiled Tilapia Parmesan is on the menu tonight, my friends. I promise to not disappoint. Ta ta!

A whistling girl and a crowing hen will always come to a bad end

2006-11-15T15:26:00.000-05:00

Hide yer chickens! I'm cookin tonight! This should be interesting, my friends. Hopefully, I won't have the Colonel watching over me with his wee beady eyes. (No, Malik is not the Colonel! I'm talking about Colonel Sanders, silly people!) I will update tomorrow. That reminds me of a story. On spring break senior year of college, someone asked us if Kentucky Fried Chicken in Kentucky is called Home Fried Chicken. NOPE! On a non poultry note, I got a manicure on my lunch break today. I like it. And I also want to wish my mother good luck in her Funnybone performance this evening and, since I will not be there to defend myself, do not believe anything she says about her children. Have a nice day!

All skate: a phrase indicating that everyone must take part in a certain activity

2006-11-13T13:03:00.000-05:00

I went out with Susan this weekend. I called her at 10:15pm and told her to get dressed, we're going out. We ended up leaving Susan's apartment at midnight (Suz, couldn't decide what to wear) and the club we were going to is 2 exits away from Susan's apartment. We got off the exit, everything is fine, we're cruisin along, and then we hit major traffic. It took us 45 minutes to go 2 city blocks. Our lane was bumper to bumper and Susan kept yelling "Its an all skate people! Let's go!". Meanwhile, there were literally cars driving on the sidewalk next to us trying to get to where they want to go. However, they were inhibited by those things called...um... what is it? Oh yes! TELEPHONE POLLS! Idiots. People were also trying to get over into our lane because the left lane was moving just fine, of course. People would pull up next to us with their blinkers on and Susan would yell "NO! NO! NO! You're not getting over!" I think the fumes got to us after awhile because I couldn't stop laughing. Finally, we got into the club at 1am. Then the DJ played Luther Vandross and Michael Jackson. Everytime Susan and I are out, and Michael or Luther comes on, Susan and I both scream and then Susan always hugs me. This is fun except when she's been drinking and she has a drink in her hand at that moment. Hello, drink down the back. We got home at 3am and then stayed up til almost 5am, just talking. It was fun.

Kentucky: Got teeth?

2006-11-10T11:03:00.000-05:00

Contrary to the popular cliche, people from Kentucky do have teeth. Bro and I have a lot. We, in fact, have extra teeth if anyone else from Kentucky needs them.

Exercise is a dirty word. Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

2006-11-09T11:40:00.000-05:00

So, I eat my Lean Cuisine in the break room. Finish my lunch, get my headphones and decide that I'm going to walk the stairs in my office building for some exercise. My office is on the 21st floor and I walk all the way up to the 40th floor. Yea, I'm about to DIE. (I'm being dramatic, it wasn't that bad- I was out of breath but thats the idea when you exercise) So, I walk back down the stairs to the 21st floor. I'm a little sweaty and my legs are shakin a bit when I realize to my horror that G'DAMN DOOR (to my floor) IS LOCKED!! So, little miss "I want to exercise" (me) walks down to level 3, passes level 3, realizes that there aren't any more doors past level 3, walks back up to level 3. On level 3, I try the door, it opens and I'm ....... in the parking garage. What the? So, I find the elevator in the parking garage take it up to the lobby. Walk across the lobby to the elevator that goes to my floor and go back up to the office. And that was my lunch break.

Look at the size of that boy's noggin!

2006-11-09T11:24:00.000-05:00

Aw my bro at the Bengals game. The Bengals lost to the Atlanta Falcons and bro cried himself to sleep that night on his huge pillow.
He also said that anyone that rooted for Atlanta or lived in Atlanta was an idiot. I think he was just bitter.

Why, Georgia, why?

2006-10-30T16:59:00.000-05:00

I am creating this blog so family and friends can keep up with my doings in Atlanta. I am currently working at a law firm in Midtown Atlanta. The office building is brand new and is beautiful. I'm on the 21st floor. Its pretty fancy as you can see. I sit in the lobby and to my right are huge floor to ceiling windows and I can see for miles. This office is alot different than my roach infested basement office at the unnamed mental health agency that I used to work for.
Attached also is a picture of what the apartment complex looks like where Malik and I live. We are in the very bottom floor apartment (I like to call it the bunker). Our apartment isn't very far from an airforce base so we will often see huge planes flying over at very low altitude. This is a little scary to see at first but when I'm frightened I take cover in the bunker.