Thursday, February 10, 2011

I am a traveling disaster

My travels from Atlanta to San Diego began with snow in Atlanta. Amazingly, my flight was on time and not cancelled due to the one inch of snowmaggedon that Atlanta was supposed to receive. I arrived at the airport at 7:30am all cheery and bright eyed and ready for my trip. I get bags checked and head to security. I put laptop in a bin and bag and shoes in another. I walk up to the metal detector. First dude yells at me to take off my scarf. Alrighty. I walk through metal detector and alarms go off. Second dude says "You're wearing a belt." It sounded like a g'damn statement. So, I said, "No I'm not!" and lifted up my shirt (LOL - to show him my waist line) to prove that I wasn't wearing a belt. He said, "Ma'am that was a question." Alrighty. I walk back through metal detector to try again. Second dude tells me to take off earrings and ring even though he says he doesn't think that's the problem. I do as I'm told and walk back through metal detector and alarms go off. He then points to his own chest and says, "Do you have underwire in your bra?" Are you serious? (If airport security start making women take off their g'damn bras, I'm never flying again.) I then pointed to my chest and said, "Yes." So off to the body scanner I was sent.

While in the scanner, I throw up my best Diamond Dallas Page or Jay Z Diamond Cutter symbol over my head and get scanned. I step out and have to stand by two security agents talking on their walkie talkies waiting for the "this broad is okay to go" message. As I'm standing there, the lady at the x-ray machine, where all of my stuff has ended up in a jumbled pile at the end of the belt, looks at my earrings and ring in the bowl and then looks around confused. I say, "Yes, those are mine" as I finally get the 10-4 that I'm okay to pass now. So, I walk over to the belt and this lady at the x-ray machine wants to argue with me. "Ma'am, you don't need to take off your rings or earrings when they're that small." To which I retorted, "Umm.. the guy at the metal detector told me to." She repeated herself. WTF? To which I say, "The guy at the metal detector told me to take them off before he sent me to the x-ray machine." Her response, "Ma'am it's not an x-ray machine. It's a body scanner." You really wanna argue with me about this right now?! Just walk away Emily, just walk away.

I finally make it on the plane and I'm all situated in my aisle seat. Window seat is open next to me as well as the window seat in the row infront of me. Then the Amish show up. The couple walk up to my row and speak to me and the man in front of me and say, "Which one of you wants to switch seats so my wife and I can sit together?" Umm... no one does. Without skipping a beat I say, "I have to be on the aisle in case I have to vomit during the flight."

So now here I sit in the Denver airport waiting for the next installment of "I am a traveling disaster".

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I was the person behind you whispering, "flown in a while? Get a load of this airport retard."
- Knarf