Thursday, October 23, 2008

I am a walking Saturday Night Live skit.

So I wore a dress to work today. This dress is kinda snug and it definitely has no give in it whatsoever. The dress goes down a little bit passed my knees and since it's kinda of snug, I have very little range of motion with my legs. When I was leaving the apartment this morning and trying to get in my car, I could just barely lift my leg up enough to get into the car. Of course, on my way to work, I make my daily morning stop at Starbucks. I go in, order my coffee, come back out. Now I'm parked in somewhat of a confined space and I can't open my car door all the way. I open the car door, holding coffee, try to lift my leg up to get in the car and I can't get my leg in the car. So, I try sitting in the car butt first, but when I sat down, my dress was still hindering me from getting my legs in the car. Please keep in mind that I am still in Starbucks' parking lot and the windows at this Starbucks face the parking lot. Thanks. So, I'm sitting in my car with my legs out the door, still trying to get in the car. I ended up leaning sideways while in my seat and doing some type of air bicycle with my legs and finally was able to get in the car. Damn dress.

Monday, September 22, 2008

it's been awhile..

Well, I started playing softball again. I haven't played since I was a junior or senior in high school. I am a wittle wusty (a little rusty). I had 2 basehits in our first game and I played first base. I played decent and I hope that I'll get more comfortable as the season goes on. Yesterday, I went to the batting cages and in the cage next to me was a guy with 2 other girls. They weren't all in the cage together but the 2 girls were watching. Anyway, the guy finished batting and I came out of my cage to put another token in the machine and the guy said, "hey you looking to play softball?" I told him that I was already on a team and he said, "well, we suck and could use more people". Well damn. When I played last week, my first time stepping to the plate, the pitcher on the other team said "Look out y'all! It looks like she can hit". Well damn. I'm sure I'll have a lot more to write about with my upcoming softball adventures. Hopefully none of them will involve me losing any teeth. :)
So, I was at Subway tonight picking up dinner. There was a man in line in front of me. He was at the portion of the sandwich order when he tells how to dress the sandwich i.e. lettuce, tomatoes, etc. Well, I'm telling my Subway guy what I want on my sandwich and me and the other guy in line said "oil and vinegar" at the same time. The guy in line turned and looked at me and said "WHOA. We just had cross sandwichation." Oh for the love! Then he moved to pay and turned to me again and said, "You really sound like you know what you're doing making those sandwiches. I'm totally lost. You should be a Subway consultant." A Subway consultant? WOW. If anyone needs guidance putting together a Subway sandwich, let me know.

Friday, July 25, 2008

my boyfriend is my hero & i am an emotional basket case

There are wild cats that live in our apartment complex. Well, maybe they aren't wild exactly but I don't think they belong to anyone. One of the cats just had a kitten and we usually see the two of them around our apartment. Recently the mama cat and the kitten have been housing themselves under my car and Malik's truck. This morning when I was leaving, the mama cat ran out from under my car to under Malik's truck. I didn't see the kitten and I assumed that it was still under my car. I began to back out very slowly and I heard a screaming yelp. OMG! I just knew that I ran over the kitten. I began crying and called Malik, who was still in the apartment, and told him what happened. He said he would come outside and due to the fact that I was scared to move (my car or myself), I was grateful. To add another degree of difficulty, Malik pulled a muscle in his back last night at basketball. So, this man is trying to bend over to look under my car, trying to get on the ground to find the kitten with a pulled muscle in his back. He inspects every tire and sees nothing. He tells me to go ahead and back up. As I begin to back up again, we hear the screaming yelp again and I see the concern on Malik's face. However, when I hear the screaming yelp again, I scream and begin sobbing with my face in my hands... still in the car, still being too scared to move. Malik gets on the ground again, gets back up and asks me to pop my trunk. He pulls a blanket out of my trunk. (I'm still sobbing). He gets back down on the ground, stands up holding the blanket and walks over to the driver side door where I am.. in the car.. still sobbing. He shows me the kitten in the blanket and says, "See. He's fine. Everything is ok. It looks like you just got his tail." I managed to pull myself together. I will never forget the image of Malik standing next to my car with a kitten, tucked in a blanket, wrapped up in his big strong arms. .. and me sobbing like a 3 year old.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Biting it

I went to get Starbucks yesterday morning to pick up coffee for myself and my co-worker. When you walk out of this particular Starbucks, you have to walk up about 7 steps to get back to the street level. So, I'm walking up the steps asking myself if I should jaywalk back across the street to work or walk down to the intersection. Apparently there was a lull in traffic which would have enabled me to jaywalk but my brain was moving faster than my feet and, like a complete idiot, I fell up the steps, landing on my arm. I didn't even want to look around to see who saw me because I was infront of an office building, in Midtown Atlanta, and close to one of the busiest intersections in Atlanta. People saw me. I did not need to get a head count. I managed to save my drink but my co-worker's drink was not so lucky. I got up quickly and kept walking debating whether I should go back into Starbucks and get a new drink for my co-worker. I decided not as I was already embarassed enough and I'm not sure if I could navigate the steps again.
My 4th of July was pretty uneventful. Malik and I went to a friend's house and played the American Idol game on XBox. It's basically like kareoke but you have to keep the correct pitch and sing the right words of the song in order to get points to stay in the game. I'm not sure how or why I had the courage to do this seeing as I was completely sober but I sang four songs infront of a room of people. The highlights were singing "Copacabana" and "Bohemian Rhapsody". Try singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" keeping a perfect pitch and getting all the words. Some of my favorite lyrics: Scaramouche scaramouche will you do the fandango, Galileo figaro-magnifico, and Bismillah! no,we will not let you go. What the f*ck?
That's it folks. I'll be here all week-making an ass of myself.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

and I should continue to listen to you now because?

We had a proofreading seminar at work earlier this week. A proofreading "expert" gave us tips via video conference. Handouts for the seminar were given to everyone that attended. The expert got through points one and two on the handout. It was point three where we ran into some trouble. Note to self: If you're ever leading a proofreading seminar and someone asks about the mistake on the handout, act like it was a test. Act like that was SUPPOSED to be jacked up to see if people were paying attention.

Point three stated the following: Ways to Proofread, part 1 (sample practice exercises provided to be provided near end of seminar)

Nice work lady. Yeah, you're real credible.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

spiders

So last night I had a dream that I was laying on the couch and a tarantula looking spider crawled up onto the arm of the couch by my feet. Oddly enough I was not distraught over a huge spider crawling up onto the couch. Then the spider shot some webbing at some bug on the floor next to me and started to reel the bug in. Can spiders reel in their webbing? Well, this is my dream damn it- they can reel if they want to. Anyway, so the spider is reeling in the bug and the webbing is kind of going across my body and the end of the webbing gets stuck in my finger because there were barbs on the end of the string of web. Again, this is my dream damn it. So, I get the barb out of my finger and all the sudden the tarantula attacks me. I shut my eyes and started screaming as the tarantula spun a web around my middle finger on my right hand and cut off the circulation. I think I threw the spider off of me at that point and was still screaming while I was trying to cut the web off of my finger with some scissors.
I wonder what all this means? Stop smoking crack perhaps?

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Ok- I'm still seeing weird people...

I went to the grocery on Sunday around 8pm. Primetime for weirdos at the grocery, apparently. I got halfway through the store, stopped to pick up some cottage cheese, and a man approached me from out of nowhere. He said "I love your haircolor. Is that natural?" I told him no and then he proceeded to ask me what color it is and what color they use on my hair. Ok- a) why do you care? are you planning on dying your hair this color? b) my hair is obviously brown with tints of red- how do you think they make this color, genius? by mixing red and brown perhaps? Perhaps you should go back to 1st grade art class.

So I get my cottage cheese and move on to the dairy section in the back of the store. As I'm quickly strolling down the aisle, another man stops me and says, "Excuse me," as he holds up a pack of shredded cheese, "can you melt this?" WHAT? He goes on to ask if you can melt it and pour it on stuff like broccoli. Dude, it's cheese.

I FINALLY made it to the front of the store only to have to wait in line behind 6 people at the checkout. The man in front of me thought he saw another checkout line about to be opened so he went over to the other line only to learn that it was a Kroger employee checking out another Kroger employee. When he realized this, he yelled "Y'all need to open another line!" and then walked back to his spot in front of me. He THEN turns to me and says, "This is like waiting at the bank!" Umm.. ok. He continues, "You know, I just got back from Tampa and everyone wants to wait on you there- you sit down at a restaurant and BAM! You get drinks, salad, bread before you can even count to 2! You know, I'm from Georgia, and I'm really starting to hate this state." Dude, over a long check out line at Kroger? Seriously? He finally made it to the checkout belt and he holds up his Cherry Cordial ice cream and says, "You see this here? This stuff is addicting." I don't care. Finally he was paying and he continues, "I went to Florida once and basically gave 3 pints of blood to the state bird. Mosquitoes. At night, you run your hands across your leg like this, you come up with a whole handful of those suckers!"
Shoot me.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

i see weird people- part deux- and they touch me

About a month ago, Malik and I flew to Pittsburgh to see his family. This was my first time flying with Malik. Everyone that knows me, knows that I HATE to fly. I get anxious, nervous, nauseous.. everything bad. Well, I think flying with Malik did me some good because when I went to New York a couple weeks ago, I was just as relaxed as ever. No pre nerves, no pre nauseousness (look mom, no nauseation!). On the flight up to New York, I still took Dramamine for motion sickness which knocked my ass out. So, on the flight back, I decided I was going to fly drug free! No Dramamine! And the seat pocket in front of me contained no barf bag. Living on the edge, I'm telling ya.
Well, I got on the plane, helped a lady get her heavy carry on into an overhead bin, and was feeling just as perky as ever. I was wide awake when the flight attendants came around with the drink cart. I was in the last row of the plane so when the drink cart finally made it to me, I was all smiles. Well, apparently a little too smiley because the male flight attendant, who had blonde highlights and a unibrow, proceeded to push the cart past me while pinching my cheek. (On my face! dirty minds!) He then came back and said, with a thick accent, "what would you like to drink sweetie?" I asked for ginger ale and he said "do you want ice?" Oh my God, I've never been given this option before. Just give me a damn drink! Finally he came back. "Here you go sweetie". Well, I think I have been cured of motion sickness for sure because if this didn't make me puke, nothing will.

Monday, April 14, 2008

am I the only one who sees this stuff? I don't see dead people- I see weird people.


I got up pretty early yesterday (Sunday) and decided to go pick up breakfast at Sonic for Malik and me. As I was about to turn left onto the main road out of the apartment complex, I saw a man crossing the street with his arms up like this guy in the pic. It was at this point that I locked my car doors and tried to keep my eyes focused straight ahead. I thought maybe he saw someone he knew and was running across the street to hug them or saw a bear and was trying to scare the bear off. When he crossed the street, he moved out of my line of sight... But as he started walking down the street, he was approaching me at the traffic light.. alone.. not hugging anyone.. not wrestling a bear. I was trying not to look and thinking, "please turn green, please turn green." From what I did see- the man was wearing running clothes so I thought maybe he had just finished running and had his arms up because he had a hard time breathing. What made it worse or even more weird is this guy was at least 6'5". Finally, the light changed before the guy got to my car. I went and got the food and made my way back to the apartment. It took me about 20 minutes to get back to the area near the apartment and there he was again. Walking in the opposite direction, arms up, like a damn goon walking down the main drag in Smyrna. WTF?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

i'm kicking my ass! do you mind?

For some reason today I'm all about self inflicting pain on my jaw. This morning when I was brushing my teeth, I jabbed the damn toothbrush really hard into my gums or some tooth in the back of my mouth and the sh*t hurts. Not that gums or teeth are my "jaw" per se but it's in the same area. Then when I was at the gym on my lunch break today, I was adjusting my sports bra after I put it on (sorry for that visual) and punched myself in the chin. What the hell?

Thursday, March 27, 2008

what the?

Last weekend the weather in Atlanta was beautiful. The temp was in the 70's, the sun was shining. It was so beautiful in fact that I was actually looking forward to going for a run (this is rare). Our apartment complex has a mile long trail that winds around the grounds. I had been running for about a quarter of a mile when I got into the part of the trail that runs along a creek and is shaded by a bunch of trees. As I was coming down the path, there was a squirrel running towards me. This wasn't a big deal, I'd seen squirrels down in this area before. I do try to avoid them though. I think this is due to some nonsense I saw on the tv show "When Animals Attack". What was weird is that this squirrel appeared to be really, really fat. As it got closer to me, it stopped right in the middle of the trail. It was at this time that I realized that the squirrel was not fat. What I had mistaken for extra poundage on the squirrel was actually a mouse, with the same color fur as the squirrel, in the squirrel's mouth. What in the hell? The squirrel was still frozen in front of me, holding a ball of fur by it's front teeth and I'm looking around like "is anyone else seeing this?!" Finally, another girl came up behind me and she was just going to stroll on by oblivious to this carnivorous squirrel that was in front of us. I stopped her before she got past me and said "I'm not really sure what's going on here". She stopped and was startled- I think because I spoke to her, not because of the squirrel. Right after she stopped, the squirrel, with the mouse in it's mouth, ran up a tree. And I started back on my run.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

people! strap down your sh*t!



A couple nights ago, I was driving home from work when traffic came to a dead stop on I-75. This was unusual for the drive home. I called Malik to see if he had left work yet, to see if he was possibly ahead of me on 75 and could tell me what the problem was. We're our own little traffic team sometimes but this time he hadn't left the office yet so he had no info for me. Traffic began crawling along and I finally approached the reason for the congestion. Some idiot lost a broom out of their vehicle. By the time I reached it, it was in a hundred pieces in the middle of the fast lane. I called Malik. "Broom down! Broom down! Avoid fast lane!"
A couple months ago, I was driving on I-285 on a Saturday headed to the mall. When all the sudden, out of no where, I ran over a damn ladder. A LADDER! An aluminum ladder. My tires sent that shit flying and whirling down the highway behind me. I thought for sure my car was totally jacked up, especially my tire. No damage. Just me freaking out as its not every day that you run over a ladder but apparently in Atlanta, there's no telling what you will encounter on the roads.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

ice cream

I was craving ice cream last night. No, I'm not pregnant- although my belly would appear that I'm pregnant due to eating too much ice cream. Anywho, I decided to go to Walgreens down the street to pick up some ice cream. Normally, I would stop at the local ice cream place but as of late, they have been running out (and not restocking) key ingredients. The last 2 times I went there, I was going to get a Strawberry Banana smoothie for Malik and they were out of strawberries. I also like to order a pecan ball which is vanilla ice cream covered in pecans but the last 3 times I've gone, they've been out of balls. So, in order to spare myself the disappointment, I just skip the ice cream place and go to Walgreens.
I decide to pick up something for Malik too. God forbid he have any of my ice cream. So, I'm walking out of the ice cream aisle juggling 3 pints of ice cream. Ok ok, I got an extra one just in case I didn't like the Ben & Jerry's Half Baked. Two rather feminine gentleman turn down the aisle walking towards me. One looks at me and says, "Well aren't you lovely?" (I find this funny as I'm juggling 3 pints of ice cream). I responded, "Thank you!". And he said, "Don't thank me, honey, thank your parents." Alrighty then. Mom, Dad- thanks!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

when good deeds go bad

As I approached the counter at Starbucks this morning, I was pleasantly surprised that their was only one person in line. This person however was standing at the cash register with her purse open, wallet on top, and saying something to the barista making her drink. When I got closer, I heard the customer ask if they could break a $100 bill. (sidenote: who takes $100 to Starbucks for a $3 coffee?) The girl working the register said that they couldn't break the bill. The barista then chimes in with a laundry list of other forms of payment they could accept: credit card, personal check.. (sidenote: you're an asshole if you ever write a check for a Starbucks coffee. I'm just saying- don't let me get stuck in line behind you while you're writing a check for coffee on your pink, kitten checks.) Anywho, the customer had no other form of payment so I offered to buy her drink. Ok ok - so my impatience of waiting in line is coming across as a good deed- is that so bad? I just wanted to buy her drink so I could get my damn coffee. So, she's all 'that's so nice. thank you so much. happy valentine's day' yadda yadda yadda. I proceed to order my drink. The barista steps over to the cash register and says, "That was really nice of you, we'll take care of the drink." Yep, she said drink. Not drinks. The bitch comped the other lady's drink and let me pay for mine. How kind. Way to pay it forward, biatch.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

coury enjoys my misfortune part II: the bonnie and clyde edition

A couple weekends ago, Malik and I were at a friend's house playing Guitar Hero into the wee hours of a Friday night. We left their house around 1 or 2am and decided to call in an order to the local 24 hour restaurant, Ken's Corner Grill. We arrived at Ken's pretty quickly; before our order would have been ready so we decided to sit in Malik's truck for a few. While we were sitting in the truck a cop car pulled into the parking lot behind us. Malik and I didn't really think anything of it- we've seen cops eating at Ken's multiple times late at night. This cop, however, just sat behind Malik's truck and didn't pull into a parking spot. A few minutes later, this cop turns on his lights and the big giant spotlight, comes over the loud speaker, and says "Driver turn the ignition off and put your hands out the window!" Well, Malik's driver side window is broken so I roll mine down and scream, "The driver side window is broken!" So, the cop kept repeating himself, I kept repeating myself. Finally the cop (genius) says, "Driver, roll down the back passenger window, and put your hands out!" Christ! It was like playing Twister. Then the cop tells me, the renegade passenger, to put my hands out my window. As soon as I did that, he approached Malik's side and asked him to come to the back of the truck. I couldn't hear what they were saying. A few minutes later, a cop standing about 5 feet behind the truck (I guess I looked dangerous), yells for me to get out and step to the back of the truck. I get out, walk to the back of the truck. It is at this time, I realize that there are now FIVE cop cars surrounding Malik's truck- all with their spot lights on us. Those of you reading this that are from Fort Thomas, now know that Smyrna police have nothing to do just like Fort Thomas cops. FIVE cop cars, are you kidding me?! So, I' m at the back of the truck. Malik is standing next to me. I do not know what came over me, as I'm usually the respectful, yes sir yes ma'am, polite type when it comes to law enforcement but it must have been all the Guitar Hero and wanting to be a rockstar, I looked at the cop closest to me and said, very tersely, "what is all this about?" He responded by asking me if I had any weapons on me. Yeah, you know me, always carrying around weapons. I said no, and he promptly decided to search me, spread eagle across the back of the truck. Nice. Finally, two of the FIVE cops started to explain that there had been a shooting in the area and a truck similar to Malik's had been involved. Please explain to me what kind of genuis would be involved in a shooting and then go order some food at Ken's Corner Grill and sit in the parking lot?! No one! The cops couldn't deduce by those actions alone that they had the wrong truck? LORD! Looks like none of these guys will be applying for an FBI post anytime soon.

Anyway, the cops (ever so nicely) let me go inside Ken's, as it was pretty cold out that night, and pick up our food. Apparently, a few minutes later they apologized to Malik and Malik came inside, we picked up our late night snack, and Bonnie and Clyde went home.

Friday, February 01, 2008

superbowl



Well, when I typed in "shot in hell" into Google, I expected that one of the first results would be the Giants beating the Patriots in the superbowl. Instead, the first hit was some jackass's blog in Delaware writing about politics and other nerd nonsense.

Anywho, I'll be pulling for the Giants on Sunday. I'm a fan of the Giants and I'm an even bigger NON fan of Tom Brady. While I am realistic, and the Patriots probably will win, I'm still hoping the G-Men can pull out a "shot in hell" victory.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

make it stop

Why, in the name of everything holy, would someone choose to whistle in an office setting? An office setting where some of us don't have doors and all we can do to drown out the piercing high pitched whistling is put on some head phones. I could semi understand whistling while walking down the hall perhaps, or, I don't know, while making your lunch or going to the bathroom. But what in hell does someone have to whistle about while sitting at their desk, in their office, doing work? Christ- do I work with one of the seven dwarves? Maybe people are just annoyingly happy to be doing their job. So, if people can feel open to whistle while their happy doing their work, can I make vomit noises when I'm not happy about doing my work?

Monday, January 14, 2008

it's that time of year again


Jeff says, "HEY! I'm plunging in the 2008 Polar Bear Plunge and I need your support. Now give me some money! My sister made this stupid picture of me yelling, so give me some money! Please, won't you give me some money?"
Click on Jeff Iker on the roster. All proceeds benefit Special Olympics. Please give generously and support my baby bro who will be plunging into freezing cold water on February 2, 2008.