Monday, April 23, 2007

drunk

No, I do not know the idiot in this picture. I'm sorry if you do. Looks like Happy here is drinking a long island iced tea. Did you know the long island iced tea was "invented" in the late 70's by a bartender named Robert Butt? I'm not joking. Look it up. I want to send Mr. Butt a big thank you very much for inventing the drink that continues to knock me on my ass.

Susan and I went out on Saturday. We had a couple long islands while we were dancing. Then, we went and stood on the patio for a while. Suz had a long island in her hand. (I had cut myself off). We were standing there talking. I dropped my purse and I bent down to pick it up. While I was standing back up, my head knocked the glass out of Susan's hand. It shattered on the floor. Somehow in the process, Susan's ring got caught in my hair. (I'm actually laughing out loud while I'm typing this) Susan and I were both doubled over in laughter while trying to get her ring out of my hair while I keep yelling "I've been hit by shrapnel!" from the broken glass.
Thank you Mr. Butt. Thanks! Love, Emily

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The game wins!

I expressed interest to Malik about joining a volleyball or softball team at the gym where he plays basketball. Malik somehow got the name of a guy who needed another girl on their team. I spoke to this guy on Tuesday and he asked me to play in their game Tuesday night. Sure. I went into the gym at 8:45. And I'm looking for a team that I have never met. So, I'm walking up to every group of people asking them what team they are on (half of them don't even know their team name- awesome) And to make it even more humiliating, the team I was playing for was called Mystery Meat. So, as I'm asking people what team they are on, they ask me what team I'm looking for. Umm... Mystery... Meat. This one jackass says, "Oh, Mystery Meat? That's green." And I say, "Oh the team wears green?" He says, "No, the mystery meat- that's the green stuff in the fridge." Hey guy- thanks!!
I finally found my team, we have negative 3 seconds to warm up. We walk out on the court. Everyone but me gets into this weird T formation on the court. I'm scrambling like uh where the hell am I supposed to be as the other team is serving the ball. I hate my life.
I don't know what "level" of play I signed up for but this was like professional, college, been playing since I was a child, Karch Kiraly style volleyball. No one "volleyed" the ball, everything was a spike. People on my team were diving. On every single serve, my team had to tell me where to stand. And then some of them started pointing at me saying "stay... you stay". WHAT? I'm not a dog! I was, however, a deer... caught in the headlights. I don't think anyone has prayed to Jesus, Joseph, and Mary during a volleyball game as much as I did that fateful night.
We played four games. I honestly don't know if we won any of them. I was just happy I was alive.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.


I should be more compassionate. I really should... considering I worked at a mental health agency for 5 years but, alas, I am not. I walked into the gym locker room last week. I headed for the lockers so I could change into the workout gear. There was lady in the locker room. By herself. Laughing. Alright, I thought, maybe there was something funny on tv. (There are tv's in the locker room) Then I realized Rachel Ray's talk show was on, and while Rachel is great cook, she definitely ain't no stand up comedian. Lady still in the locker room. Still by herself. Still laughing. Alright, I thought, maybe she has one of those cell phones in her ear that I can't see. I go about my business, change my clothes. I head over towards toilets in the locker room. Crazy is standing about 5 feet away from the mirror, putting on lip gloss, and still laughing. What in the? Whatever. I went to work out. 45 minutes later I come back in the locker room. She is still there. Now, she has 4 plastic bags spread out across the locker room and she is just beside herself- laughing and singing. I went to talk to one of the gym staff members. Her response, "Yeah, she's not supposed to be in there." Alright then.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Emily vs. Carbonated Drinks

I don't like carbonated drinks. Never have. I drink water. And for the record, I was drinking water when it wasn't cool to drink water- before the big bottled water influx. Back in the day, places didn't serve water like they do now. I would be lucky to get someone to sell me a cup of ice and be even luckier to find a damn water fountain to fill up the cup of ice with some ice cool refreshing water. Yea, try being the girl at the slumber party who didn't want the Coke that came with the pizza. I've stuck to my water drinking ways and I think the carbonated drinks are finally out to get me.....

Last week I went grocery shopping, came home, and started to put the groceries away. As I opened the freezer, I was greeted by a freezer covered in brown slush. My loving boyfriend put a Pepsi in the freezer and it exploded. And it exploded brown slush all over. We (I) have since cleaned it up but there is still food in the freezer covered in the slush. Me, being the lazy and not liking sticky things on my hands person that I am, haven't eaten the ice cream in the freezer in a week because the carton is covered in slush. Its a good dieting technique. Dang you carbonated drink.

Yesterday, I started my new position at my job. One of my first tasks was to restock the fridge with water and Cokes. As I was taking a diet Coke out of its 6 ring plastic holder, the diet Coke next to it decided to jump ship. As the renegade diet Coke landed on the floor, the can exploded. I was wearing a skirt. It was a little bit like Marilyn Monroe when she stepped over the street vent and her skirt flew up ONLY my skirt didn't fly up from air. My skirt flew up because of the diet Coke spraying out of the crack in the can. 10 seconds later, my legs, hands, and face were covered in diet Coke spray. The walls inside the pantry were streaked in diet Coke.

I think I'm going to have to make a ritualistic sacrifice to the gods of carbonated drinks.