Wednesday, December 26, 2007

dear God.. what is that thing?


What in the world is he looking at?

It's a bird, it's a plane... it's...

it's a construction crane next to Don Pablo's restaurant in Bellevue, Kentucky ??

Monday, December 10, 2007

Smokey Mountain Crap-mas

Yesterday afternoon I sat down to watch the first two football games of the day. Green Bay vs Oakland did not look to be an exciting game nor did Dallas vs Detroit. (side note: I'm now wondering if the Falcons had a bye or if they just suck and are not televised anymore due to ticket sales. hmm... and I really don't care. Moving on.) So, I started flipping channels (my favorite past time) and I found a movie on CMT (yes, that's Country Music Television) called "Smokey Mountain Christmas." This movie is from 1986 stars Dolly Parton and I used to watch it OVER and OVER so much that when I watched it yesterday I remembered some of the dialogue and songs (yes. I said songs. It's Dolly Parton, what do you expect?) in the movie.
I do not wish to incriminate my brother at this time but I'm pretty sure he used to watch it with me. (Sorry bro- you probably didn't have a choice, I think we only had one tv at that time, although you could've left the room if you didn't want to watch it, it's not like I tied you down or anything- well maybe I did. Whatever, you watched it to, probably on your own free will)
It is amazing to me the stuff that I was entertained by as a child. I wasted my Sunday afternoon watching this movie that was absolutely AWFUL but as a child, I loved loved loved "Smokey Mountain Christmas".

Thursday, December 06, 2007

All Night Long

Time at home during the Thanksgiving holiday, always means a trip to the Old Fort Pub or just "The Pub" as us locals like to call it. Well, I'm not a local anymore but I can still claim that status after living in Fort T for over 25 years of my life. My friend Jenny and I headed to The Pub the Friday after Thanksgiving. Thank goodness some of our high school classmates were there and even some older than us. It always proves awkward when one is hanging out at The Pub with kids that were in like 6th grade when you graduated high school.
Anyway, so my brother came up and I ended up hanging out with him and some of his high school friends. The drinks were flowing. Two guys that went to our high school, Ben and Brendan, were the musical talent that night. After I was pretty well buzzed, Ben and Brendan played "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie. Me, my brother, our friend Frank (also known as Knarf), and Frank's girlfriend were badly dancing to "All Night Long". Then we all started yelling "Oh jambo jumbo!" from the song. We began interjecting "Oh jambo jumbo!" into every song there after.
sidenote: Frank is going to law school. I just got promoted at my job and now I'm a legal secretary.
Meanwhile, back at The Pub: Frank says to me that I should move back home and be his secretary at his law firm. He said when he walks in the office in the morning, I will ask how he is and he will say "Oh jambo jumbo!"
Always good times at the Old Fort Pub.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

I have a retarded ear

Dad bought bro and me IPods for Christmas. The IPods come with ear bud headphones. Left ear bud fits just fine- my ear seems to cradle, love and caress the ear bud. My right ear is retarded. No matter how hard or in which direction I jam that sucker in, my right ear isn't having it. Complete rejection of the ear bud in the right ear. As a matter of fact, as I type this right now, I'm sitting at my desk with an ear bud in my left ear only. Put the right ear on my list of flaws.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Mr Bean has beans for dinner

Last Wednesday I went up to the community center to run on the indoor track while Malik was playing basketball. I get upstairs to the track and start stretching. Since, I usually go at the same time everytime I go to run at the center, I usually see the same people. On this night, there was a new strange man walking the track.
This man looked like Mr Bean but he was probably only 5 feet tall. Mr Bean also looked like he just got off work at the grease factory where he appears to be the team leader of the grease clean up department.
So, Mr Greasy Bean is walking the track. I start running the track. As I come up behind Mr GB, I realize that he's carrying hand weights. Now, he's not swinging or curling the hand weights, he's holding them... at his side... while he's walking. I do another lap, come up behind Mr GB again. I then realize that he's holding the hand weights with what appear to be napkins. So, wait wait wait. Mr GB, who just got off work at the grease factory, doesn't want to get all germy from holding weights? Ok.
It is at this point that I realize that Mr GB is holding 2 different color weights which, being a person that is in the gym a lot, means he's holding 2 different SIZE weights. Mr GB is holding a green 3lbs. weight in his left hand and a pink 8lbs. weight in his right hand.
Just so we're all on the same page, let's summarize: I'm running on the inside lane of the track, Mr GB is walking on the outside lane of the track holding a 3lbs weight and a 8lbs weight with napkins.
Now, I get to about lap 8 when Mr GB decides to drop a SBD... a silent but deadly fart. So, I'm coming around the track and run smack into this GOD AWFUL, kill your first born, did you eat roadkill for dinner?, I think you need to go change your pants, smell. And I've been running so you know I'm already breathing hard. That shit lingered for FIVE laps.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

the wait is over


In the past 24 hours I've been called: Red, Big Red, Wendy, Ronald McDonald, Carrot Top. I've been asked: "Is that your Halloween hair? Is that a wig? Was that on purpose? Does Malik like it?" I've been told: "The women in my family probably wouldn't have left the house or wouldn't have gone anywhere without a hat." and "I like your hair better blonde."
Despite ALL that.. I like my new do. It's a fun change.

Monday, October 29, 2007

oh dear

My hair is red. I promise I will put a picture up soon.
Yes, it was intentional. Yes, Malik likes it. Yes, I probably look better blonde but I'm going to rock this for a couple weeks. We'll see if blondes truly have more fun.

Friday, October 26, 2007

sweet baby jesus and sweet potatoes

Sweet baby Jesus I haven't typed on this damn thing in a LONG time. Sorry friends.

I've been driving around with sweet potatoes in my car for a week mostly due to laziness. My trainer at the gym put me on this new diet. I have no idea what it does but I'm supposed to eat nothing but fruits and veggies Monday thru Friday and then eat protein on the weekend. I went grocery shopping last weekend to get ready for my week of fruit and veggies (delicious). I bought many delectable items from the produce section including a bag of already cut up, skinned sweet potatoes.
Monday afternoon Malik called me at work and said that his friends got us tickets to the Atlanta Hawks preseason game. We would need to head to the game straight after work. I was not prepared as I was in my work clothes and didn't have a change of clothes. So, on my lunch break I went home and got a change of clothes. On my way out the door at the apartment, I thought "I should grab that bag of carrots to snack on at work." Went to the fridge, grabbed the bag of carrots, got in the car. Realized then that I had actually grabbed the bag of sweet potatoes. Cursed for a minute. And the sweet potatoes are still sitting in my cup holder in my car.
Mom, remember when I used to make necklaces out of dried up potatoes that we would put on the dashboard of the car? You interested in a sweet potato necklace?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

good story from back in the day

Back in the good ol' college dorm days, our dorm neighbor, Krissy Carr, had a plethora of CDs. Some of her CDs were of the sappy love song variety... right up my alley. So, being that this was back in the day- the day of mixed tapes and the like, I made a mixed tape from her CDs. Bunch of sappy sappy crap that I happened to LOVE. One of the songs was "Why Does It Hurt So Bad" by Whitney Houston. Krissy happened to have a live version of the song on a CD single. Anyway, so this mixed tape gets played and played. Mostly because I loved all the songs and Coury loved "That's What Love Can Do" by some singer I don't remember so we would play this tape all the time. Well, eventually the tape bit the dust or the tape deck in my car finally stopped wanting to play lame crap, REGARDLESS, the tape was ruined. We were out of college and I had lost touch with Krissy.
Years later, I was at work (answering the phones at the mental health place) and I got an itch to hear that Whitney Houston song. The live version. So, I started searching the internet to see if there were copies of this CD anywhere. (You know, work stuff). I found someone that had a copy of the live version... in the United Kingdom. I thought what the hell- I make $7/ hour, I can afford a CD for $5 plus $20 in shipping. So, I bought it. It arrived.
And it was a record. Nice.
I called around Cincinnati and found a place that could put a record onto a CD. The record had like 5 versions of the song and when I went to pick up my record and CD, the guy that made me the copy said, "By the 5th version I wanted to shoot myself from listening to that crap."
Thanks, buddy. Thanks.

Monday, September 24, 2007

the grudge

Malik is not scared of anything. He is sometimes "bothered" by heights and doesn't care too much for the movie "The Grudge", but he's never scared. For those of you who haven't seen "The Grudge", I believe that there is a part in the movie when the zombie looking girl crawls up under the sheets of the bed and attacks the lady in the movie.
So, one night last week Malik and I were getting ready for bed. The bed room light was on and the tv was off. Malik was on his side of the bed which is furthest from the light switch. Before I continue, let me say that what is about to happen, I did not mean to do- it just happened. I decided that I would turn the bed room light off while turning on the tv just so he could have light in the room if he needed it. All this because I am lazy and can turn the tv off from the bed. Malik is standing next to the bed. I turn on the tv via remote while I'm walking towards the bed room light switch. Now, in the 5 seconds that it takes the tv picture to come on, while it was still dark, I managed to make it back across the room, crawl across the bed, and reach to give Malik a hug. He thought I was the Grudge. I didn't mean to.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

no much going on

Not too much going on with me lately. I'm going to get my ONE stitch out on Friday. Should be interesting. In regards to my recent passing out, the question that keeps coming up is "how are you going to birth children"? And my answer simply is, "I don't know" but I'm sure it will be a good blog story when the time comes. Calm down. The time is not coming anytime soon.

I would like to thank the Bengals for making me look like an IDIOT in the work football pool last week. Thanks for NOT beating Cleveland. Awesome. Oh! And big shout out to U of L losing to UK. Thanks- picked U of L to win.

And, Brother, if you are reading, please elaborate on the story involving the following main characters: you, a fountain, a cell phone, and alcohol.

Monday, September 10, 2007

like father, like daughter

Most of you don't know this because I just found out recently myself that my dad almost passed out when I was born. (love you, Pop!) If I remember correctly, he sort of started to slide down the wall while my mom was in labor.
Now, I claim to be a pretty tough gal. Physically, anyways. So, last week I went to the dermatologist to get my moles checked just to make sure I wasn't sporting any weird moley, moley moles (click the link) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mvxe04wGmTw.
During my exam I told the doc that I had a "different" looking mole on my thigh. It didn't look like any of the other moles that I have. She took a look and said that it didn't look like anything serious but she would take it off if I wanted her too. If I wanted her to? Shouldn't that be your decision, doc? I have a hard enough time picking out what socks to wear and you're asking me if I want a mole removed? She said she would go ahead and take it off.
So, the nurse numbed a tiny area of my thigh and I was sliced and diced. 30 seconds later- mole removed, 1 stitch in the thigh. Yes, 1 stitch. I turned to look at my wound at this point and the nurse, who was busy cleaning up, started telling me what I needed to do to take care of my "wound". And.... I passed out.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

maybe you had to be there

This may be one of those stories where you actually did have to be there to think it was funny but I'm going to put it on here just so I can remember this story. Malik and I went out to lunch last Saturday to a place called Azios that has various pasta dishes, pizza, and salads. We were finishing up our food and a couple sat down two tables away from us. The staff brings the couple a salad and sets it in the middle of the table. Azios is the type of restaurant where you order your food at the register, they give you a number, and the staff brings the food to the table. I say this because anyone with manners would realize that if you need something, you should go back up to the counter- no one is waiting on you.
Anyway, so this couple start devouring their salad. One of the staff walk by to clean up a table. The guy eating the salad (with his mouth full) keeps saying "sir, sir, sir" to the guy cleaning the table. Finally, the guy cleaning hears the salad eating guy. The guy eating salad (with his mouth still full) says "There's no CHICKEN in my CHICKEN salad." The Azios guy is like "huh? no chicken?" Idiot eating the salad repeats himself (mouth full, trying to be funny) "There's no CHICKEN in my CHICKEN salad." Azios guy says, "Lemme go get you some chicken." Idiot eating the chicken without chicken salad (still stuffing salad in his mouth while talking) says, "Could you just bring some hummus?", then points at the salad and says, "Cause this is about to be gone!" Ya think?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

this explains a lot

thanks to a fancy camera, my cousin was able to capture my mom in her true form.

everyone, my mom...is... an... alien.


Friday, August 17, 2007

bored, vick, and hunting

I'm totally bored today. I think I've looked at every page on the internet. Click link if you don't believe me : http://home.att.net/~cecw/lastpage.htm


Everyone is waiting on news of Michael Vick's plea deal. I could care less.


Here's an old pic of me at the movie arcade when Malik and I were waiting for a movie to start- can't remember what movie it was that we were seeing. Must have been a good one. Anyway, I was playing Extreme Hunting. I was not able to shoot one damn thing with my big safety orange rifle. Malik managed to take a pic of me while I was entering (shooting) my initials after I lost the game. Apparently you lose if you don't shoot anything. I think the picture is funny because you can see "Extreme Hunting" at the top of the game and then I'm shooting the alphabet. Nice. And I look quite intense for shooting letters.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

confused and annoyed

The title of this blog is confused and annoyed. Let's address the confused part first. There is a person at my job that uses the word "chunk" when talking about throwing something away, ie "No one is using those files so go ahead and chunk them." Huh? This use of the word chunk has confused me. Maybe it's a southern thing. For all of my northern friends, or anyone with an opinion, is the correct word chuck or chunk? Or am I just thoroughly confused?
Now to the annoyed part of this post. Football season is upon us and I am totally excited. I will not be excited, however, if I have to see "Viva Viagra" commercials all season. I'm sure Elvis is so totally stoked that his song "Viva Las Vegas" has been remade for a commercial about ED. And furthermore, why are the guys in the commercial sitting around singing a song about a drug for ED? Seriously, I do not want to see this crap all season. The network should go ahead and chunk this stupid commercial.

Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Kenny Rogers



Here we have pictures of two Kenny Rogers. One a pitcher for the Detroit Tigers and the other a country singer.
Last night Malik and I were watching Baseball Tonight on ESPN. ESPN showed a picture of Kenny Rogers, the pitcher, and I asked Malik who he was.
Malik said, "That's Kenny Rogers. You know (begins to sing) 'On the road again, can't wait to get on the road again'."
I said, "You idiot that's Willie Nelson."
Malik sings, "Footloose, footloose..."
I said, "You idiot that's Kenny Loggins. Kenny Rogers sings The Gambler."
Malik says oh, sits there quietly for a sec, then leans over and in my ear sings,
"And the thunder rolls..."
ARG!!

Thursday, August 02, 2007

Good times


1. After refilling my gas tank for $812.37, I continue down the road only to find a gas station that has cheaper gas. This always happens to me. Good times.
2. There is a certain shade of purple that looks really good on me. This shade of purple just happens to be the same color as Barney.. the purple T rex bastard who conveys learning through jumping around singing children's songs with a friendly, annoyingly optimistic attitude. I bought a new shirt and when I pulled it out of the bag Malik said, "Oh, another Barney shirt?" Good times.
3. Playing the card game Bullshit with my mom, aunt, & younger cousins. Yelling bullshit at each other and everyone dropping the F bomb when they get called out for putting down bogus cards. Good times.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

holiday

I am taking a mini holiday (as the Brits say) this weekend. Headed to Louisville to see the ol' college girlfriends. And then headed to Nashville, Indiana. Nope. That is not a misprint. Nashville, Indiana- which is close to Columbus, Indiana. Which brings me to ask, could Indiana not come up with some original names for their cities? Oh! Indianapolis!... wait.. that sounds like.. Indiana. "Sure! Just throw a "polis" on the end of Indiana! Sounds great!"

Anyway, we're staying at "resort" in Indiana that lists this on the front page of their website:

2007 Overlook Restaurant Hours:
Thursday- Saturday: 5:00-9:00
Sunday: 9:00-2:00(Brunch) 5:00-8:00 Dinner With live music.
We are now home of the World Famous
Gnaw Bone Tenderloin!
Hmm.. I'm not to sure about this one. Do I want to stay at a "resort" that advertises a world famous gnaw bone tenderloin? I'm scared.

Friday, July 20, 2007

new pictures

Haven't logged on here in a while- I forgot my damn user name and password. Hope everyone is doing well. I finally uploaded some pictures from my new camera. These pictures are going to be a little random.
First, mom wanted to see a picture of the patio furniture that I purchased for the apartment. Here ya go, Shell.

The plant is fake.

Next, a lovely picture of Malik and I at the office barbeque from a couple weeks ago.

My favorite brother came to see me in Atlanta last weekend and we went to see the Reds/ Braves game. Here are some pics from that.
We had really good seats. All was swell until the drunk Reds fans behind us got into a verbal altercation with some drunk Braves fans. Braves fan yells, "You're a fat piece of sh*t!" Reds fan yells, "Let's go have a talk!" The stadium usher gets involved- he's 82. Good ol' Walter trying to prevent a brawl. Gotta love the drunks....








Thursday, July 05, 2007

Fourth of July

My fourth of July began with some early afternoon shopping, a quick trip to Starbucks and picking up lunch for Malik and me. Malik told me just get something for him from wherever I stopped. Great! Ladies Choice! I decided on Quizno’s. I pulled into the strip mall where Quizno’s is located. Our buddies at Quizno’s decided to observe the fourth of July holiday and were closed. So, I made my way back out onto the main road. Decided then I would get Burger King for Malik and stop at Subway for myself. At this juncture, I’m getting teensy bit aggravated that I now have to stop at two places, one of which does not have a drive thru (oh! the horror!) I park, get out, walk into Subway. The line is wrapped around the inside. AWESOME! You see how hard it is to eat healthy, Jared?! You’re a crock, Jared. You and your Subway nonsense. Meanwhile, back in the line. I get behind Indecisive McGee who can’t make up her damn mind which bread to pick. Oh MY GOD! You’ve been in line for 10 minutes! Were you not thinking about what you wanted to order in those 10 minutes? Or at the very least, what kind of bread you wanted? A few “umm”s and ‘I’ll take Italian…No Three Cheese… No Wheat”s later, Indecisive McGee finally had bread nailed down. At this juncture, I’ve become quite a bit more aggravated. This is when I over here the teenager down the row telling the Subway worker what to put on his sandwich. “Yea, I would like lettuce, pickles, mayos…” Hey kid, what in the hell is mayos? I finally get down to the end to pay. I just wanted a sandwich. I didn’t want a damn drink and chips. Mr Cashier, who takes his job way too seriously, rings me up. After my credit card goes thru, Mr Cashier hands me a cup. Looking at the cup in disgust, I say “I don’t want this. I just want my sandwich.” Mr Cashier says, “No! Deal! We have deal! We have deal. You take!” Christ! Jared, you see how hard it is to be healthy in Subway. You decide not to get the chips and drink, Jared, but they force it down your throat, Jared! They force it!
Finally, I made my way to Burger King, get Malik’s food, get home, figure out a way to carry all the crap inside in one trip. I’m walking up the walkway to our apartment, arms full. Two squirrels cross my path about 5 feet in front of me. I thought they were just going to dart in the bushes. Nope. They stop. In the middle of the walkway, turn, and faced me. If it were a Western movie, the camera would have zoomed in on the squirrel’s face, then zoomed in on my sweaty face looking all intense. The squirrels looked like they were going to pounce, down in the crouch position. Oh wait. That’s how they always look. At this juncture, I started talking to them. Yes, I had reached the level of anger that would cause a person to talk to squirrels. Finally, I parted the squirrel barricade, won the stand off, and made it inside unharmed.

We Will Rock You


Every now and again I rediscover the group Queen. I go for months not listening to them and then, WHAM, I get the Queen bug and I can't stop listening to their songs. Not sure how a girl, me, that likes Top 40 music gets into a group like Queen but, alas, I am a Queen fan. I believe that I started listening to Queen when, like a lot of people in my generation, Bohemian Rhapsody was released again for the movie Wayne's World. However, the quite humorous bit here is that I had a crush on Freddie Mercury when I first started listening to Queen.


And then I found out he was dead... and then I found out he was gay. RIP Freddie. RIP.

Monday, June 25, 2007

deep thoughts


It is not too often that I have deep thoughts. And while it is extremely rare that I have deep thoughts, it is even more scarce that I post such thoughts on my blog. However, as Malik and I were on our way to the movies last night, we drove past House of Chan restaurant. And I thought how great it is that we live in a country where we don't all look the same. We have different cultures that we can interact with first hand. We can choose from any number of cuisines- next to House of Chan there is an Olive Garden and a Taco Bell! Not that any of those restaurants fairly represent cuisines from different cultures but ... I am grateful to live in a country where we're not a cookie cutter race. Ok- done with the deep thought. It hurt alittle.


I bought a digital camera this weekend. I'm so excited. I've taken a couple pictures which I'm sure you will soon see on this here blog.


Malik and I went to a work picnic on Saturday evening. We had a great time. Malik, the party animal that he is, just could not be contained.


Thrilled.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

I hate Sprint

Just wanted to let everyone know that Sprint is the bane of my existence right now and my text messaging isn't working. Now, one might say that I'm conceited by implying that people are even trying to send me text messages. In my defense, Sprint likes to tease me by letting me know that I have a new text message, but, alas, the bastards won't let me read the message. It's quite cruel, actually. So, until this mess is fixed, aka until I switch to Verizon, please contact me via email or you can always phone me because good ole Sprint is nice enough to let my calls come through.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Stopping!


Dear morons that make brake pads for the rollerblades that I currently own:
What kind of craptard thinks that making a brake pad out of plastic is a good idea? I'm assuming this is why the brakes cost a buck a piece. Please look into the new age substance called rubber. Rubber seems to not INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATE while trying to stop at the bottom of a hill. Call me crazy, but when I have to take my rollerblades off and walk back to my apartment in my socks because I have no brake, that's not cool. A sparking lug that once held the brake pad in place, is not the best way to try to come to a stop. Please look into rubber. Thank you. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
dirty socks.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Happy Birthday to ME!


Thanks everyone for all the cards, emails, and phone calls. One more year of the 20's for me. And I do plan on enjoying it.

Friday, June 01, 2007

How do these people find me?

On Tuesday I had to walk to 999 Peachtree (about 4 blocks away) to pick up some MARTA passes for my co workers. When I told some of my co workers that I was going to walk down to 999, all of them had a coronary. They couldn't believe that I was going to walk instead of drive. Since when is walking 4 blocks such a huge inconvenience?
Anyway, I made to 999 just fine. I packed an overnight bag with a tent, lots of water, flashlight, bug repelant, lots of snacks... just kidding. It's just FOUR blocks! So, I got the MARTA passes and started to make the return back to work. On my way back, I had to stop at the first corner because I had to cross the street and I did not have the "good time to cross" signal. There is a girl waiting on the corner also. I stand behind her. Good safe personal space distance behind her. I see no need to walk up and stand next to her in order to cross the street. This isn't a race.
Well, she proceeds to turn around and ask me, "Oh, are you crossing too?" What the f? I said, "yep". What I wanted to say was "Why the hell do you think I'm standing here?" So, we crossed the street. I was going to try to pick up my pace and pass her but she wasn't breaking her stride so I decided to fall back. We get another 2 blocks and she turns around again and says "Oh, you're still back there." What the f?! She slows up and starts walking with me. Tells me the reason why she's walking (I don't care) and where she's from (neat) and where's she's headed (super). I'll tell you where I'm headed... oncoming traffic.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

a heart attack on a plate


I promise I will stop with the crazy pictures. I couldn't resist this one, though. So, I'm trying to get back into cooking. I'm sorry. I can't concentrate. What in the hell is going on in this picture? Why is that man wearing a helmet?
Anyway, Malik bought a George Foreman Grill and I figured I can handle cooking on George. I was looking for recipes online yesterday that are specific to George. I found a recipe for frisco melts which is the sandwich that I get at Steak n Shake. I just happened to see the nutritional information on Steak n Shake's frisco melt. You ready for this folks? 93 GRAMS OF FAT. Yep. In one sandwich. What is that? A fat allowance for a week? Anyway, I made a much much leaner version of the frisco melt for dinner last night. It was mighty tasty. I made Malik wear his helmet while he ate it though.

Monday, May 14, 2007

I heart moving

I would like to say that the moving process for Malik and me went just as smoothly as the two retards in this picture, but, alas, it did not. (nice white socks, buddy). Malik and I got up at 8:30am and were not finished until about 10:30pm. I, being the smart cookie that I am, made sure that I knew where the bed linens were so when we got to the new place, I could just throw the bed linens on and go to sleep. I can't remember the last time I was that exhausted. Now we're playing the "have you seen the (insert random household object here)?" game. That's fun. And as I woman, I must admit that I was the worst "estimator" when it came to estimating how many boxes we would need. We had to go buy 10 more x-large boxes the afternoon of the move. Anyway, we're pretty much settled in the new place. We both absolutely love it. Now comes the decorating...

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Happy Derby!


Its Kentucky Derby time! Get your hat on! (Mira, I like your beret!)
Louisville here I come!

Monday, April 23, 2007

drunk

No, I do not know the idiot in this picture. I'm sorry if you do. Looks like Happy here is drinking a long island iced tea. Did you know the long island iced tea was "invented" in the late 70's by a bartender named Robert Butt? I'm not joking. Look it up. I want to send Mr. Butt a big thank you very much for inventing the drink that continues to knock me on my ass.

Susan and I went out on Saturday. We had a couple long islands while we were dancing. Then, we went and stood on the patio for a while. Suz had a long island in her hand. (I had cut myself off). We were standing there talking. I dropped my purse and I bent down to pick it up. While I was standing back up, my head knocked the glass out of Susan's hand. It shattered on the floor. Somehow in the process, Susan's ring got caught in my hair. (I'm actually laughing out loud while I'm typing this) Susan and I were both doubled over in laughter while trying to get her ring out of my hair while I keep yelling "I've been hit by shrapnel!" from the broken glass.
Thank you Mr. Butt. Thanks! Love, Emily

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

The game wins!

I expressed interest to Malik about joining a volleyball or softball team at the gym where he plays basketball. Malik somehow got the name of a guy who needed another girl on their team. I spoke to this guy on Tuesday and he asked me to play in their game Tuesday night. Sure. I went into the gym at 8:45. And I'm looking for a team that I have never met. So, I'm walking up to every group of people asking them what team they are on (half of them don't even know their team name- awesome) And to make it even more humiliating, the team I was playing for was called Mystery Meat. So, as I'm asking people what team they are on, they ask me what team I'm looking for. Umm... Mystery... Meat. This one jackass says, "Oh, Mystery Meat? That's green." And I say, "Oh the team wears green?" He says, "No, the mystery meat- that's the green stuff in the fridge." Hey guy- thanks!!
I finally found my team, we have negative 3 seconds to warm up. We walk out on the court. Everyone but me gets into this weird T formation on the court. I'm scrambling like uh where the hell am I supposed to be as the other team is serving the ball. I hate my life.
I don't know what "level" of play I signed up for but this was like professional, college, been playing since I was a child, Karch Kiraly style volleyball. No one "volleyed" the ball, everything was a spike. People on my team were diving. On every single serve, my team had to tell me where to stand. And then some of them started pointing at me saying "stay... you stay". WHAT? I'm not a dog! I was, however, a deer... caught in the headlights. I don't think anyone has prayed to Jesus, Joseph, and Mary during a volleyball game as much as I did that fateful night.
We played four games. I honestly don't know if we won any of them. I was just happy I was alive.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Go sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here.


I should be more compassionate. I really should... considering I worked at a mental health agency for 5 years but, alas, I am not. I walked into the gym locker room last week. I headed for the lockers so I could change into the workout gear. There was lady in the locker room. By herself. Laughing. Alright, I thought, maybe there was something funny on tv. (There are tv's in the locker room) Then I realized Rachel Ray's talk show was on, and while Rachel is great cook, she definitely ain't no stand up comedian. Lady still in the locker room. Still by herself. Still laughing. Alright, I thought, maybe she has one of those cell phones in her ear that I can't see. I go about my business, change my clothes. I head over towards toilets in the locker room. Crazy is standing about 5 feet away from the mirror, putting on lip gloss, and still laughing. What in the? Whatever. I went to work out. 45 minutes later I come back in the locker room. She is still there. Now, she has 4 plastic bags spread out across the locker room and she is just beside herself- laughing and singing. I went to talk to one of the gym staff members. Her response, "Yeah, she's not supposed to be in there." Alright then.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Emily vs. Carbonated Drinks

I don't like carbonated drinks. Never have. I drink water. And for the record, I was drinking water when it wasn't cool to drink water- before the big bottled water influx. Back in the day, places didn't serve water like they do now. I would be lucky to get someone to sell me a cup of ice and be even luckier to find a damn water fountain to fill up the cup of ice with some ice cool refreshing water. Yea, try being the girl at the slumber party who didn't want the Coke that came with the pizza. I've stuck to my water drinking ways and I think the carbonated drinks are finally out to get me.....

Last week I went grocery shopping, came home, and started to put the groceries away. As I opened the freezer, I was greeted by a freezer covered in brown slush. My loving boyfriend put a Pepsi in the freezer and it exploded. And it exploded brown slush all over. We (I) have since cleaned it up but there is still food in the freezer covered in the slush. Me, being the lazy and not liking sticky things on my hands person that I am, haven't eaten the ice cream in the freezer in a week because the carton is covered in slush. Its a good dieting technique. Dang you carbonated drink.

Yesterday, I started my new position at my job. One of my first tasks was to restock the fridge with water and Cokes. As I was taking a diet Coke out of its 6 ring plastic holder, the diet Coke next to it decided to jump ship. As the renegade diet Coke landed on the floor, the can exploded. I was wearing a skirt. It was a little bit like Marilyn Monroe when she stepped over the street vent and her skirt flew up ONLY my skirt didn't fly up from air. My skirt flew up because of the diet Coke spraying out of the crack in the can. 10 seconds later, my legs, hands, and face were covered in diet Coke spray. The walls inside the pantry were streaked in diet Coke.

I think I'm going to have to make a ritualistic sacrifice to the gods of carbonated drinks.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

my review of the movie "300"

Malik and I went to see 300 on Sunday. I thought the movie was very good.

For those of you that don't know, 300 is "a ferocious retelling of the ancient Battle of Thermopylae in which King Leonidas and 300 Spartans fought to the death against Xerxes and his massive Persian army. Facing insurmountable odds, their valor and sacrifice inspire all of Greece to unite."

side note: after we saw the movie, Malik will now spontaneously, boistrously yell (while in our apartment), "THIS IS SPARTA!" It's fun.

When I went to work on Monday, one of the attorneys asked me if I saw 300 over the weekend. I said yes and I really liked it. He asked if the fight scenes were gory.

I said, "Not really. I mean people's heads get chopped off and you see the inside of their severed head and neck but nothing so gory that I had to look away."

I am an idiot.

Friday, March 16, 2007

my advice

My place of employment is hiring and they ask me to be directly involved in the interviewing process. Over the past couple days, 6 candidates have come through. In meeting with them, I have a few thoughts.
1. Don't wear your new spring dress and sandals to an interview. This ain't Easter, honey, its a job interview.
2. If someone gives you a ride to your interview, do not invite your ride to come in to the office with you. And furthermore, when the office manager offers you a beverage, do not yell to your ride to ask if they want a drink. This ain't a bar, honey, its a job interview.
3. Do actively listen when I'm speaking to you. Do not, however, interrupt me mid sentence to say, "yea. uh-huh. ok." Let me finish my thought, then you can pretend like you're listening to me.
4. While I am telling you about the position and showing you around the office, do not interrupt me to ask "who does your eyebrows?"

Are.You.Kidding.Me?

Friday, March 09, 2007

Coury enjoys my misfortune.

I recently wrote an email to my friend, Coury, about my night out last Friday. She told me that everytime something awful happens to me she gets a good laugh out of it. Maybe you will too. Enjoy...
I met Susan and her friend out on Friday. I went into the club by myself since I was meeting them there. While I was waiting in line, some athlete or some crap celebrity, cuts in front of me with his wife and everyone is all "can we get you anything? please let us know if you need anything. let them know downstairs if you want VIP. nice to see you." blah blah blah. Finally I get in the club, there is like negative 5 people there. There is a couple by the bar heavily making out (its 10:30- drunk before you came, eh?) Soon after Susan and her friend arrive, the drunk couple start dancing (aka stumbling and hanging all over each other) on the dance floor. We get drinks and head out on the dance floor too. We are a good 10 feet away from the drunkards. I had my back to them. The drunk guy backs into me. I turn around like what the hell? He apologizes and I say "Yeah the dance floor is REAL crowded, huh?" He flips me off. NICE. 5 minutes later, had my back to them again. He backs up and grabs my butt. I ignore it. I continue to avoid his antics by moving every time he comes over our way. The final straw was him backing up his girl towards where we were, grabbing my purse and moving it to the back of the speaker so that he can put his girl up on the speaker. (He never quite got her up on the speaker, as I'm pretty sure she weighed about 250). Anyway, I was pissed and the night just sucked because I couldn't get out of the funk.

Monday, March 05, 2007

a beached whale

First, I want to say that I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in awhile. I was in Florida part of last week. I know, I know. Everyone hates me. Everyone including all of the Florida "blue hairs" (senior citizens) that had to witness me squeezing my fat ass in to a bathing suit after gaining 10 lbs.
"Look Betty! I didn't know they had whales in Florida! Look at the one laying by the pool!"
I had a good time with my family despite my aunt's speech impediment (you know who you are) and the fact that this same aunt uses a porn store as a landmark.
"Oh! Yes! Turn left at the smut store!"
Fabulous.
Anyway, I'm still recovering from my trip. I've been exhausted for the past week. (I'm tellin' ya, partying with your mom, going to bed at 9:30, really takes it out of ya.) I'm trying to get my energy back and tone up alittle (ok, a lot) so I've been going to the gym on my lunch breaks. Today, I was laying on the mat doing side crunches. I did one side and went to change position to do the other side of my body. I somehow managed to turn myself around ended up being in the position to do crunches on the side that I had already done. What the ...? So, I'm laying there for a sec thinking do I flop back onto my other side again? Do I play it off and just do another set on this side? Then I'll have to do 2 sets when I flip to the other side! DANGIT!
"Look Betty! There is a whale flopping around on that mat in the corner!"

Friday, February 16, 2007

I've become THAT girl

People back home will understand this. You know when someone from a warmer climate comes to visit when its cold and all they do is complain about how cold it is and all you want them to do is shut their damn pie hole? I've become THAT girl. The one that complains about being cold. I'm so ashamed. Malik and I were out last night and I'm guessing the temperature was in the 30's. I was so cold, like cold to the bone cold, like my teeth were cold cold. And I'm thinking, I am such a damn pansy- Cincinnati is covered in snow and ice and I'm here shivering. Malik said its because your blood thins out. I think I'm just a pansy.

Friday, February 09, 2007

Rocket science



I went driving around last night. I know my way around the area of the apartment pretty well but I don't know "what's out there". So I suppose I went "exploring". While I'm driving around I'm wondering what jackass came up with the street names around my apartment. For example, there is Cobb Parkway and South Cobb Road. Yes two different roads. I live on Windy Hill Road and I drove past a Windy Ridge Parkway. There is South Atlanta Road (what genius came up with that one?) but as far as I know there is no North Atlanta Road. We have Northside Drive and Northside Parkway, Paces Ferry and Powers Ferry, Interstate North Parkway West. What the hell is that? Then, I work on Peachtree Street but 2 blocks away there is a West Peachtree Street which is an entirely different road. And my favorite are the roads that are called simply Boulevard and Parkway. Geniuses just gave up at that point I'm assuming. "Aaahhh screw it! Lets just call this road...umm.. Street!".

Monday, February 05, 2007

Thanks to all that donated...


Jeff raised over $1000 for Special Olympics! Great job, bro! Now, about that wind chill in the teens? How dat feel?

Thursday, February 01, 2007

We found a winner!

Something miraculous has happened. I cooked. And it was good. And Malik liked it. And we're both still alive.
It all happened with a recipe from my Abs Diet book. I went to the store and bought all of the ingredients. Came home and followed the step by step instructions, or recipe, if you will, and made.... meatball hoagies. I actually made the meatballs. And when I say made I don't mean I turned on the oven and cooked the frozen meatballs. I mean I actually rolled up some ground pork into a ball and cooked it. Wait wait wait. So I actually made porkball hoagies?
That sounds gross.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

REAL classy, Atlanta

It took me an hour and a half to get to work today.
And as I started my journey at 8:30 this morning, while I was sitting in bumper to bumper traffic, I thought there had to be a huge accident to basically turn 5 lanes of I-75 into a parking lot. As I sat in traffic still at 9:00 having moved only 2 miles in a half an hour, I thought not only was there an serious accident, but someone must have died in the wreckage. So I said a prayer. At 9:30, while being only halfway to work, I said a prayer for myself, as I was ready to murder someone. Finally, I arrive at work at 10am. And I check the news. There was no deadly accident. Here is the headline:

Motivational seminar, poultry convention jam downtown

A freaking poultry convention?!!? Bastards!!!!

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Drunkards

It would probably be easier to make a list of the Cincinnati Bengals who have NOT been arrested in the past year. I told a friend that I saw Michael Vick driving around Atlanta about a month ago. Her retort was "You have to be careful in Cinncinnati because if you see a Bengal driving around, there's a 95% chance he's drunk." NICE.
My favorite comment about one of the Bengals' players getting pulled over was from my cousin. He said that when they pulled over C. Henry, that his license was expired, his tags were expired, and he even had a gallon of expired milk in the back seat.
Nine players arrested in the past year. Good work Bungels. Good work. You all aren't the ones that have to live with a Steelers fan-thanks for your help.

What I've Been Up To

I seem to have forgotten that this blog is supposed to be about what I'm up to and not always about funny things that happen to me. Sorry that I haven't written in a while.

Last Saturday I got to watch an old VCR tape of Malik playing basketball in college. I absolutely loved it. It was Marshall vs. VMI. (VMI sounds like a disease- like an STD or something. Sorry, that was TMI) I didn't know that the VMI (Virginia Military Institute) called themselves the Keydets. Umm..WTF. Why not call yourselves the Cadets?? Whatever. It doesn't matter- Malik played for the Thundering Herd of Marshall and I'd say thats not much better. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed watching the tape. At one point, Malik was fouled and fell on his back out of bounds. When he sat up, the camera was right in his face and he said, "Hi Mom!" What a cheese! I always tell Malik that he's famous and he always tells me that he's not. (He is)

In completely unrelated news, I have purchased two video games for Malik's XBox- games that I can play: Galaga and Joust. My brother and I used to play Galaga and Joust for hours when we were kids. (OMG! Galaga! When you can get the double or triple fighter jets! Love it!) Anyway, I've attempted to play these games recently and its not fun anymore. I'm sad. Brother, when you come visit, we'll have to play. Maybe its not fun because I'm not playing the games with you.

To my high school girlfriends in Fort Thomas, have a wonderful time in Gatlinburg this weekend. I'm sorry that I won't be joining you this time but can't wait to hear all the stories. Tell Darts I said hi. =) Miss you girls.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Things I hate....

I hate when it rains from Cincinnati to Atlanta and doesn't stop. (For those of you playing along at home, that would be 6 1/2 hours of driving in continuous rain)
I hate that I can never figure out the perfect interval speed for the wind shield wipers and that I can never, ever seem to figure out how to defog a windshield properly.
I hate when I stop to get gas in BFE, Tennessee and to my left is a tanker truck blocking the left exit and to my right is an old man who conveniently decides to back into a parking spot but only backs in 1/3rd of the way and is blocking the right exit. Fabulous.
I hate, while sitting at a sushi bar, the waiter, who keeps saying, "I'm sorry. I have short arms" keeps reaching past me, while putting his armpit in my face, to get sushi for his tables.

... but I do like seeing my friends and family, so its all worth it. ;)

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A lovely afternoon of Starbucks etiquette and morons

I used the last 20 minutes of my lunch hour to walk to Starbucks for a latte. Its so damn windy, I basically get blown to Starbucks.

On my way there, I was entranced by a man that was walking in front of me who was so distracted by his cell phone, that he didn't realize the sidewalk had ended and he stumbles off of the sidewalk into the street.

Finally, in Starbucks, I am the fifth person in line. The lady behind me thinks that if she stands very close to me that the line will go faster. She is standing so close, in fact, as she raises her arm, she hits my purse. And as she lowers her arm, she hits my purse. With the second hit she said she was sorry and I wanted to turn around and say, “back up you stupid cow”. But I didn’t. I haven’t the slightest inclining why she was raising and lowering her arm, in the first place. I realize later that I think she was fluffing her feathered bangs. HOT!

After I ordered my latte, I went to look at Starbucks merchandise near the drink pick up counter. Purse Puncher goes and stands AT the drink pick up counter. Better yet, HOVERS at the drink pick up counter. The guy making the drinks, Eric, is quite possibly the most annoying barista I have ever encountered. He starts talking to Purse Puncher in a British accent and starts singing a song about foam. Christ! My drink comes up. Eric says, “grande triple non fat latte” and I start to approach the pick up counter to get my drink. Purse Puncher says, “no, I ordered a venti”. I wanted to say, “well, of course you did stupid cow because that drink is mine. Now, if you wouldn’t mind backing up for the second time!” But I didn’t.

On my way back, I was entranced by a man that was standing at a corner trying to cross the street but cross traffic had a green light. He was approached by a homeless man asking him for money and in order to avoid the homeless man, this jackass steps out into the street and almost gets hit by a car… twice!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Today's blog is Emily venting. If you don't want to hear me piss and moan please close the browser now and do not continue.
My first issue is Blogger. I edited and reposted my blog from yesterday about 47 times. Each time looking more jacked up than before. Why when I'm creating a post, to when I actually post on the blog, does the freaking format, picture placement, and spaces between paragraphs just seem to do whatever the hell it wants? I did not intentionally make 32 spaces between each paragraph in yesterday's blog. This is the kind of stuff that I lose sleep over. Get a life!
My second issue is buying car insurance. Before I moved to Atlanta, I was on my parent's policy aka my dad picked all the coverage blah blah blah. So, now I'm trying to figure out all of this insurance jargon and figure out what the crap coverage to get. The part that I need to vent about is that you can buy insurance to cover you if you are hit by an uninsured driver. What the hell? I understand that that kind of coverage is needed but... hey you slam into me, you don't have insurance? Oh! I'll pick up the tab. No problem- could you just give me a hand with my bumper and driver's side door? Yeah, just put them in the trunk.
And what else I hate about buying car insurance (since you asked), I feel like the minute I don't buy coverage for something, that uninsured something will happen to me on the way home from work. I suppose I will be slammed into by an uninsured driver on the way home today.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Aveda face wash can also be used as WD-40 in a "I need to get the bathroom door off" situation.




It is one of these contraptions to the left (or lack thereof) that gave my mom a little trouble today.
I called my parent's house today to talk to my dad about car insurance (thrilling) and my mom answers the phone. I hear extremely loud banging in the background.
"What's that banging?" I ask.
My mom replies, "I was stuck in the bathroom and grandpa is rehanging the bathroom door."
My mom is redoing the upstairs bathroom since Jeff and I have vacated the premises. Apparently my mom removed the door knob to do some sanding or painting or something and shut the bathroom door (sanding makes dust, you know) and PRESTO! ... she couldn't get out. As some of you know, my mom has a bit of an anxiety problem. Anxiety+being stuck in a bathroom=not good. So, apparently she harnessed her anxiety into rage. Macguyver, aka my mom, concocted a Aveda face wash and shaving cream solution to loosen the door hinges and managed to REMOVE THE ENTIRE DOOR from the hinges. Good God. She then phoned my grandpa, who came over to rehang the door.