Tuesday, June 12, 2012

So I'm back... back in the CVG

I've been back in Cincytucky for almost a month now.  My BFF has been kind enough to let me stay with her temporarily until I find a place.  I'm all over the map.. literally.. with deciding where to live. To buy? To rent?  Guh!  So, I'm on craigslist daily checking out apartments and I would like you all to share in this arduous process with me.  

    Here is a picture from an apartment in a craigslist ad.  Does this guy come with the place?  I hope so.

Here's a picture from another ad that advertises a "newly renovated kitchen with dishwasher":
So I'm guessing what happened here is they decided to install a dishwasher and basically just cut the cabinet door in half and lobbed off half of the faux drawer under the sink.  This ad boasts "It would be hard press to find a better offer." I think I'll take my chances.  

Thursday, February 10, 2011

I am a traveling disaster

My travels from Atlanta to San Diego began with snow in Atlanta. Amazingly, my flight was on time and not cancelled due to the one inch of snowmaggedon that Atlanta was supposed to receive. I arrived at the airport at 7:30am all cheery and bright eyed and ready for my trip. I get bags checked and head to security. I put laptop in a bin and bag and shoes in another. I walk up to the metal detector. First dude yells at me to take off my scarf. Alrighty. I walk through metal detector and alarms go off. Second dude says "You're wearing a belt." It sounded like a g'damn statement. So, I said, "No I'm not!" and lifted up my shirt (LOL - to show him my waist line) to prove that I wasn't wearing a belt. He said, "Ma'am that was a question." Alrighty. I walk back through metal detector to try again. Second dude tells me to take off earrings and ring even though he says he doesn't think that's the problem. I do as I'm told and walk back through metal detector and alarms go off. He then points to his own chest and says, "Do you have underwire in your bra?" Are you serious? (If airport security start making women take off their g'damn bras, I'm never flying again.) I then pointed to my chest and said, "Yes." So off to the body scanner I was sent.

While in the scanner, I throw up my best Diamond Dallas Page or Jay Z Diamond Cutter symbol over my head and get scanned. I step out and have to stand by two security agents talking on their walkie talkies waiting for the "this broad is okay to go" message. As I'm standing there, the lady at the x-ray machine, where all of my stuff has ended up in a jumbled pile at the end of the belt, looks at my earrings and ring in the bowl and then looks around confused. I say, "Yes, those are mine" as I finally get the 10-4 that I'm okay to pass now. So, I walk over to the belt and this lady at the x-ray machine wants to argue with me. "Ma'am, you don't need to take off your rings or earrings when they're that small." To which I retorted, "Umm.. the guy at the metal detector told me to." She repeated herself. WTF? To which I say, "The guy at the metal detector told me to take them off before he sent me to the x-ray machine." Her response, "Ma'am it's not an x-ray machine. It's a body scanner." You really wanna argue with me about this right now?! Just walk away Emily, just walk away.

I finally make it on the plane and I'm all situated in my aisle seat. Window seat is open next to me as well as the window seat in the row infront of me. Then the Amish show up. The couple walk up to my row and speak to me and the man in front of me and say, "Which one of you wants to switch seats so my wife and I can sit together?" Umm... no one does. Without skipping a beat I say, "I have to be on the aisle in case I have to vomit during the flight."

So now here I sit in the Denver airport waiting for the next installment of "I am a traveling disaster".

Monday, February 07, 2011

This will be me...

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

i'm baaaack...

Just got a laptop and I promise I will get back to blogging again soon. :)

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I'm writing this entry from my patio, while drinking coffee, on a 60 degree sunny day in Atlanta. You'd think I'd be in a better mood. :) A lot of my blog entries have been about Starbucks because I frequent Starbucks and funny things tend to happen to me at Starbucks. Well, since I've moved closer to a Publix, I'm starting to frequent Publix as well. If you ever hear of a woman going ape shit in a Publix on a Sunday in Atlanta, it's probably me.

My trip to Publix was preceded by a trip to Starbucks (surprise). I went inside only to be greeted by 6 people in line in front of me. Fabulous. The couple that was at the counter, placing their order, apparently were a rare breed because it seemed that they had never been to a Starbucks before... or they were completely retarded. After they finished ordering, the man excused himself to the restroom and the lady just stood there... at the counter... like a goon. Eventually she made her way down to the drink pick up counter. Eight hours later, I placed my drink order. Now, it's hard to explain this type of anger, unless you've experienced it before, when your drink never comes up and the people that were in line behind you are getting their drinks. I made my way to counter, trying to suppress the rage that was consuming me and managed to explain that I must have been skipped. I had ordered a grande (medium) size drink and my apology came in the form of a venti (large) size drink. So... what if I had actually ordered a venti? Would my apology have come in the form of two drinks? Grr...

So, I leave Starbucks and head to Publix. I needed three items. I get to the spaghetti sauce aisle. As I'm entering the aisle, a couple, who are entering the aisle in front of me, separate because wifey/girlfriend needs to go pick up something in another aisle. The couple like hugs goodbye and shit. Oh my God. Please move. So I grab my spaghetti sauce after playing Twister with some woman and her damn cart. Right hand blue, bitch. Please move. I get towards the end of the aisle and get stuck behind boyfriend/husband who apparently was waiting for wifey/girlfriend that went to another aisle. He's walking at a snails pace, checking his phone and not paying attention to any damn thing around him. Meanwhile, two ladies are walking towards me and feel the need to walk side by side. So, as I try to pass husband/boyfriend, I get tangled between his stupid cart and the dumb broads that are walking side by side and I trip. Thanks. Finally, I make my way to the checkout. Again, reiterating that I had three items. Checkout guy puts my food in two bags. What the f*ck are you doing? I guess instead of worrying about the bread being on top, he just decided to give the bread it's own separate bag.

I need my own separate bag... to smother myself with.